Tonight there was a sunset reminiscent of cotton candy. The blues and pinks were blurred between tree branches as I walked Odin through the neighborhood. The colors and unusual warmth in the air for February made me feel hopeful. For the future, for friendships, for relationships. Some days the uncertainty of where I am headed causes a sense of unease, almost like when you feel you're falling in your sleep. Faith is a funny thing; I believe everything will always work out and we need to live in each moment while balancing that carpe diem lifestyle out with a bit of planning and goal setting. For now I'm taking advantage of where I am in life, surrounded by friends and am trying to use my final didactic semester to strengthen those relationships. In this moment I feel fluid, and I think I'll stay in this state for a little longer.
05 February 2017
For the past month or so I've felt like I'm floating adrift at sea, part of myself lost. Unable to put my finger on the exact reason for those feelings my time has been spent reading, listening to music, and staying in a sort of meditative and introspective state.
It used to be that I would turn towards God. When I found myself in times of doubt and conflict I would play music and read. Then my faith was cut short. And I turned to writing.
Writing was how I released my stress, my frustration, and my joys. Being able to put feelings into words and create a picture of my thoughts was incredibly freeing. Words are such powerful objects that are underutilized and under-appreciated. The only thing holding me back was that I needed to feel passionate before I decided to pour out my soul onto paper. For so long it was easy, feelings and thoughts came and flowed through me, lighting my soul on fire and coming out molten and ready to be molded into stories.
Then I lost it. It.
What is it?
I didn't know.
In the past when I felt lost writing was it. How could I now be sitting, with a blinking cursor flashing in front of me, teasing and tantalizing but with nowhere to go? This doesn't happen to me. I don't have writer's block. I don't try to write, I just do.
Now I needed my escape and it wasn't there...
But writing wasn't my escape. It wasn't my salvation.
My salvation is in people.
It's in the connection, the spirit, the ability to be part of something bigger than myself. I am only me when I am an emotional anchor. My fulfillment in life comes from helping others carry their burdens, to lighten their loads. Somehow that had slipped away from me. My relationships, through the fault of none, had turned superficial. There wasn't time to delve into the soul of my closest companions, neither for them nor for me. We had been there, done that.
But, of course, relationships are more than that. And for some of us it comes easy, baring our souls to others and spreading out who we are, splaying our soul for all to see. For others, it's not so easy.
One friend reached out to me, overwhelmed with life and the balance we are trying to keep and it wasn't until she talked to me that I realized why I had been so empty. It is when I find another soul to share the love, joy, and burdens with that I am complete. After that spark I have reached out to others and told them how I feel about them. There are still others that deserves to hear so much more than I can ever possibly tell them... about what they mean to me and the person they've made me.
Sometimes, despite what I've believed, words aren't enough.
03 February 2017
I tried to write out how La La Land has made me feel over the past month, but I can't capture it. I wrote out some paragraphs and it didn't do the film any justice so I deleted them all and decided to reiterate that you must go watch it.
30 January 2017
I find my head so full of thoughts that I can barely form an idea of how I'd let to get them out on here. Each thought is crowding the next, fighting its way to the forefront of my mind. The problem with not writing regularly is that by the time I come back to it I'm overflowing with a need to get so many different thoughts and experiences down on paper. Perhaps it's time for another round up where I can lay it all out succinctly and slowly start sifting through it?
- Traveled to Des Moines
- Feeling an internal crisis about my future
- Enjoying friends
- Missing friends
- Juggling academics so well I could teach a circus act
- Felt one night as a miserable failure
- Another night was very much a success
- Joined a writing workshop
- Starting to make a mean espresso
- Feeling absent
When I look back over that list I can understand why it's so challenging to figure out where to start. A lot has been happening. I miss my sounding board for my thoughts and ideas. School has become such a race and focus (5th gear, hah!) that I've barely been able to stand still for long enough to actually think. It's my last didactic semester and, finally, I think I'm okay with that. I'm ready to take some time for me, my family and friends, and hobbies again. Not that I expect it to suddenly be easy. I am and always will be someone who works for everything, but I'm hoping to find a little better balance in my fourth year before residency (hopefully!) starts.
For now I'll leave it at this and plan to come back, to share and to think.
06 January 2017
La La Land was a shockingly beautiful movie. No one in the theater moved until the credits were done rolling; I left with tear tracks down my face and a full heart. I have a feeling that this is a movie I will always return to, it's an instant classic.
15 December 2016
One of my favorite places in Winchester, The Hideaway Cafe, is starting a Writing Club. They offered 20 slots for $5 and included this book of writing prompts; I'll be sharing select excerpts on here as a way to keep up this online space. Throughout the school year I really miss this place and the ability to think about things beyond myself (and pharmacy of course). Two of my friends signed up with me and that accountability will be such a great thing! This winter break has been great for my mental and emotional health: I can feel myself slowly pulling back together and I'm looking forward to using this club as a tether throughout my final semester.