Lost in the Sea of People

30 April 2009

This will probably a continutation/combination of previous blogs and a few new bits added in....

I'm not sure exactly where to begin but when I feel so emotional and strong about something the words usually flow out without much thought so hopefully I'll gain some insight from this.

I feel lost, lonely, neglected, sad, helpless, and confused. I consider(ed) myself a happy person, optimistic, and proactive but I'm not sure that those labels apply any more. I'm sad to think that I may have to apply some different labels now. I am never truly happy any more or certainly not as often as I used to be. I don't know when or why it switched and I wish it hadn't. Even my blog is named "A Thousand Reasons to Smile" because I truly do believe you need to look for the positives throughout your life and count each of them. There are many more good things going on in our lives than we usually imagine. I think I may be taking them for granted more now.

Noah and I had a deep conversation tonight but I found out that he feels like thats all we do. That was sad because he sounds like 'every other guy', stereotypically hating any conversations about "where we are" or "where is this relationship headed". Then he sent me a text negating that. I'm so confused! I don't want him to be pushed into talking about stuff that he doesn't like but I really don't know what we're doing any more. We're still dating just like every other couple but we should be so much more. In my heart he is my husband. The person I am meant to be with for my whole life and I wish I could express that more. I feel like we've been in a slump for nearly six months now. I remember when people made fun of us for being cutesy all the time. Not inappropriate or anything but we always showed so much love even after three years that it just caught attention. It seemed to seep out of us. Now it seems like we have more disagreements than anything else or we just sit around and watch tv. I don't know where to go with any of it. What can we do? It's not "appropriate" to be engaged by society's standards and I can't bring back the honeymoon stage. I love him more than anything but I feel like we only give off a negative impression any more. Its not that I love him less or don't like him any more, its just that we have been together for long enough that I can be completely honest with him. I can tell him/show him when I'm upset but the problem is that the good things about him I take for granted. Either we are acting like friends and part of the group or I treat him the way I do my sister. I can be completely honest so family gets the worst side of me because I can be open about how I feel with them. When you have to deal with people all the time it comes off that way. So its all bittersweet. I miss being the cute couple though... I miss us sometimes.

On that, I know that I have changed a lot. I don't think I did much last year and I'm not saying I'm drastically different but more like what I opened with. I don't know if I can call myself a happy person any more. That's awful to think about. I can't just MAKE myself happy though. Whenever I see this blog and it's title I always try to think about what things during my day were good and its just becoming harder and harder. I do try to think of things! I just fail more often now. I miss parts of myself and parts of my life.

I miss being happy. I'm not sure how to rectify that. I miss having everything always perfect between Noah and me. Logically I know that it could never last having us always be happy. I wouldn't go into a relationship expecting us to get married and be happy til the end of our days. No person is perfect so we'd have to work at it, but I'm sad that we're there now. I'm not used to having to work at relationships because ours just flowed so well and so easily for so long. I miss my conversations late into the night (or rather early into the morning) with Jake. He's my best friend and I feel like I just got to know him and now we're drifting. It pains me. Of course I know we're still friends but we just clicked so well together and now I feel like I'm never around him beyond meals or if I am then its also the only time I'm with Noah so I end up talking with him or watching tv... What a waste. On that, I miss DOING. Doing anything really. I feel like I was involved in so much during high school that I cared about and believed in and now I just have to try to keep up with classes. I miss being outside, geocaching, and reading. I miss making friends. I made so many last year and most of them I never even talk to any more. If I have Noah, Jake, and Sarah why bother right? I don't actually feel that way but when I can be with my favorite people in the world then I really don't have the motivation to hang out with just friends. Thats so sad though! Plus I don't even see Noah, Jake, and Sarah that often. From previous paragraphs it should be obvious that my relationship with Noah isn't as easy as it used to be. I don't see Jake nearly as much as I would like and we had just gotten really close. Sarah I feel like I still haven't gotten to know as a BEST friend yet. I'm pretty sure we have that potential but I dont see her enough to take it any farther.

On the bus tonight coming back to my dorm there was another girl across from me. At ISAT three other girls got on and sat down right beside her and the all leaned in and started talking together and were saying things about who was coming up to visit this weekend and such. I was sad and even a little jealous inside. They were all so happy together and had friends coming to visit. My guy friends have visited twice and thats it and they never plan ahead or try to do things with me on their own. We're definitely drifting... but I'm not as sad to see that go. It was a good time in my life during high school band, one of the best actually, but my friendships then were only halfway to what a friendship should be.

I've also been missing my mom a lot more recently. For some reason I keep thinking of her throughout the day and I'm just beginning to regret some things. I know at the time that I was okay with it. I accepted it. I think I may need to start writing down some memories before I forget.... I hate to think that its possible to forget. I wonder where our relationship could have gone. Why didn't I call her every day while I had the chance? She was the one person who really supported Noah and I in our families and I miss that calm assurance. Its so difficult to deal with dad without her. She was the peacemaker in our family. I never really cry about her and I think thats getting to be hard on me. I'm terrified of forgetting her but I can't stand to think about her and be sad and crying all the time. I'm torn inside. Plus I have no place or time to cry. Why is it all hitting me now? A year later.... None of my friends have lost a parent either so its not easy to talk to them about it. I know Jake would do everything in his power to help me but what is there really to do? No one says the right thing and I'm not sure that there is even a right thing to say.

Nothing to say.... I miss affection. During camps and mission trips, I have found the most supportive and accepting people in my life. There is no judgement. Everyone opens their heart, mind, and arms to you and listens to your problems, concerns, addictions, faults, and glories and loves you despite any of it. I made better friends in individual weeks than the rest of my existence (with a few obvious exceptions). Plus, there is always RIGHT and LOVE at these places. When there are no words to say, there is always body. Hugs and hand holding are common and at the end of the week maybe even some kisses around the campers (cheek or hand - usually playful or complete caring). When there is no other way to express love and understanding and heartache or joys, there is always a physical route. I feel like I can't let that side of myself through in day-to-day life. It'd be awkward, I have a boyfriend and people wouldn't understand. I feed off of physical assurances though and it saddens me that its not accepted in every day life. It's gay if a guy shows emotions. A girl is cheating if another guy holds her in his arms. Its getting ridiculous. What is someone supposed to do - shake my hand? ....

I just feel lost and lonely. That is rather depressing because I KNOW that I have people who love me and I have thousands of people around me who can be potential friends but I could just pass them on the sidewalk or sit next to them on the bus and never know. I know there are ways to correct some of these problems but others will just have to work themselves out. I do feel better after writing this out though. Thank you for taking the time to read it. May you find yourself in this vast ocean as well.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...