20 April 2009

The day your door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
But I’m not sure anymore,
It’s just so hard.
It's like nothing works without you.

Today was an official rainy Monday. I'm always happier when the sky is blue and the grass is a lush green but I try to keep a consciously positive attitude when it's raining. I know that I become more negative so I try to counterbalance.

So now I'm torn between two extremes. One is complete love and adoration (and maybe neediness) and the other is distance and disdain. I wonder sometimes what I'm supposed to do in our situation. My boyfriend is the most important person in my life without question and I'm often happiest with him. Last semester I spent a lot of time with him at his dorm and with our mutual best friend. We sort of stopped appreciating our time together and I got frustrated with how often videogames were played (and I'm sure he was frustrated with how often I complained about it) so this semester we decided to have more individual time.

I'm not even sure if he's truly noticed that I stay away more. I'm not there during all of my free time. My dorm room is where I'm at most of the time if I'm out of class but on some nights I still like to visit him. I like to be with him but after all these years we've run out of conversations left to have and we know that if we're together a lot then we need to have time for ourselves to do work. I wonder if we still spend too much time together. I'm happy with him and I feel like I don't get enough but maybe I'm never supposed to. I should always want more time right? If I am truly happy? Society doesn't seem to think so. There are many couples who don't see each other as often as we do but I always thought they just didn't try to make enough time for each other. Honestly, I still do think that, but I wonder whether they don't have the right of things.

Tonight wasn't his fault, but I can't stand being in his dorm room any more. I need to be my own person or have my own space because I just can't be around his friend. I think the saddest part of that for me is semi-losing Jake. The only time I see him now is for meals and when I'm in his room... If I no longer come to the room then we won't have our night time conversations any more. I already feel like I'm losing him. Maybe the summer will provide more opportunities. Maybe. :(

Noah on the other hand... well, I expect him to come to me some more. If we do decide to see each other then it needs to be more on our own because his friend makes me angry just being in the same room now. Noah and I have to purposely put aside time for each other now without our friends. We started dating my sophomore year of high school and so we couldn't even drive at the very beginning. Also, high school (and college) is a time for friends and being similar people we had the same friends. So when we're together we're usually with our friends. I love my friends and I love spending time with them. This is by no means on them but Noah and I sort of fell into the pattern of being 'friends' as well. We are't the touchy/coupley sort who gross everyone else out. We're not the fun couple. We're not the 'still in the honeymoon stage' couple. We just are. I know our relationship is more mature in everyway than any one of those other types, but I feel like we just skipped the parts of being young and in love.

We don't go on dates, we don't take hikes just the two of us, go on picnics, or make food together. Okay, we've made food together this past summer a hundred times but it was for my whole family because my mom was no longer there to do that for us. It wasn't in a romantic way whatsoever. We've been on one (?) picnic during our four years that was outside of my yard. I'm jealous of the couples that everyone looks at and says how cute they are. And I'm happy. That's what really gets me. I know how lucky I am and I truly love him but I'm STILL jealous. How is that even possible? It makes me feel bad.

I know I have nothing to really complain about but it's one of those days when I feel low down the priority list for him. And that's completely unfair of me because I'm pretty sure I'm the most important thing in his life (besides trombone of course). Still, I picture all the relationships I idolize and I wonder whether the girl would have left walking by herself in the rain.... Usually her Prince Charming will come running after her. This is the first time (maybe ever) that I was this upset and just left. We're way better than this. We always talk things out. I've even stormed out once before and just sat in the yard in front of his dorm and when he texted me twenty minutes later asking "what can I do to make this up to you? I don't want us to be mad." I told him I was still outside. I felt compelled to stay. I don't think it's right to leave when you're upset (at least when it's someone you truly love. I only leave people angry when I don't care about them because they're not worth my time. His friend I was talking about from earlier would EASILY fall into that category). I'm a firm believer in "Never let the sun fall while you are angry". I try not to go to bed angry but it's not always possible...

I'm already feeling better about tonight. Probably becasue I'm distanced from the problem and was capable of writing out how I feel. I find that explaining my feelings (usually to Jake or on here) really helps me find my center and priorities a bit more. Hah. Just makes me miss Jake more. :(

Well, I know this doesn't really count as one of the 1,000s of reasons to smile but I'll try to leave it with a little happier of a turn to let you know where I truly stand on things.

I do completely love Noah and I think I'll have let this go by tomorrow or at the latest Wednesday, but it's just nice to vent how I feel. I truly appreciate how lucky I am to have found him this young and I know this isn't a big problem. One day he'll be my husband and we'll live together and we'll be spending tons of time together and I know I should just be patient. I'm sick of adults thinking I don't know that. I do. Sometimes emotions just get the better of us all though. I'm sure I can come up with 1,000 reasons to smile just talking about Noah so don't be too concerned. Thanks for reading though. Hope everyone had a better Monday and if not... well, there's Tuesday to look forward to.

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