Confliction Around Every Corner

29 May 2009

It seems that no matter what path I choose I can't win - at least not win BIG.

Since I've been home I've half become better as a person and half feel diminished. I'm conflicted. Today there were several instances that magnified this for me.

I worked out with my boyfriend in the morning as we've done each day this past week to get into shape. At least I was never quite out of shape, but it's certainly not easy to run a mile the way it used to be. What happened to those days of running five miles? Every day. Whew. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know it from my own experiences and memories. I'm glad to be getting back on the right track. I'm proud of both of us and we're doing it for FREE which makes it even better. I would love to have a membership at a gym, but I just don't have that type of money and it should be of my own motivation and will power anyways. Unfortunately, I find that paying for something makes me a bit more motivated to follow through... Still, we just have to do it for twenty more days and we'll have formed a habit which is great!

So after we worked out I got a call from Sam asking if I wanted to eat lunch out with her and her mom. I always enjoy lunches out so I went (but I was sad to see Noah - I have serious attachment issues I guess, I can't stand to do anything without him). We went to Paneras and we were there for an hour and twenty minutes. Most of the time we talked about my dad and it was honestly really refreshing. Kathy understands me on a whole other level when it comes to this topic. She was my mom's best friend and its as hard for her as it is for me if I had to take a guess. She gave me some different information than what I already had though and that was nice plus her perspective is pretty much the same. Its easier for me to talk about this with Kathy than anyone else.

After lunch and that whole conversation I came home and I called Noah on the way. We would meet at my house then go geocaching. :) I got home and I was putting coordinates into my gps when dad came in asking if I could throw a switch for him in the basement while he tried to get the pool pump working. Of course I agreed, its pretty much the only chore he's asked me to do all summer and it barely even counts as work. Anyways, he took me downstairs to show me the switch but it was cool downstairs and he wanted to take a break from being outside at the pool so he said we could sit down and talk.... then he talked about Judy for five minutes and mom for another twenty five. I think its fine for him to miss mom.... but not date another woman at the same time. I don't think he's worked through all of his feelings on this issue yet which is understandable but has he talked to Judy about any of this? I found it really strange that I had just had a conversation about this type of stuff happening and then I actually had it happen within an hour afterwards.

It was probably good for him to talk it out some and I'm glad that he could talk to me about some things; he may finally realize that I'm more of an adult than a kid now. Still, it was odd.

Then Noah got there and we went geocaching but dad decided not to go. I was second to find on one of the caches! I was so close to FTF, just a night too late. :( Still, that was pretty fun. Later when dad and I went to the grocery store we found Hi-Tech. FINALLY. It was my third time looking for the cache and I have absolutely no idea how I missed it before. Its one of those ones you're just kicking yourself for. Also, I have a cache hiding spot that I need to use PRONTO. I can't wait to hide one there before someone puts another too close to the location. Plus, on 522 there aren't any caches as far as I can tell so I'm ready to find one there. Preferably not a LPC but it may have to be... Maybe a guardrail?

At Martins I saw Andrew (and earlier in the day I saw Donnie). Andrew and I talked for a little bit. Also in the store I saw Ben Geho. It made me sad to see him. He was pushing the cart and his mom was in front of him and they were just turning into a checkout line.... It was a mirror image of myself and my father. Different genders. He had lost his father a matter of months before I lost mom, also from cancer. He was in the store helping his mom get groceries and I was in the store helping my dad. I feel like we probably have a lot more in common than I would have predicted four years ago. It made my heart ache.

Still, today has been a rather good day over all and I'm glad I don't have to wake up early tomorrow to go work out (we're going to do the weekdays but not the weekends). Plus I may be doing the C&O Canal trip soon and I want to get some geocaches on the way. Oh, I told my dad that I was thinking about biking with my friends there and finding some geocaches on the way and he did a double take. Apparently he and a fellow ham are planning on doing the SAME THING in early June. Huh. I'm thinking about doing both so that my friends don't have to look for the geocaches since its not really their thing and I could go on with the geocachers to find some caches. I enjoy it and I would fill my outside quota for two days. :) I'm looking forward to biking more, I really haven't gotten enough in since school let out.

Hopefully the spring fling goes well tomorrow at church. I also hope to find more caches. I'm looking forward to finally seeing Heather next week too. I might be meeting up with some friends tomorrow night because Andrew leaves for Tennessee on Sunday. I also have class again Tuesday and Thursday. It seems to be a more interesting week coming up already. I still need to call the directory about the Talent show though which I'm not looking forward to but I only have about a week now and I NEED people to sign up. I'm getting nervous about it. Then the 19th - the actual event. Can't wait! Plus I still need to email the usher people about bible school. I also may need to work as a teacher at BB so that I can get all my hours in order for the Education Program. Yikes!! There's a lot still to do, but I'm actually COMPLETING some projects finally. Looking forward to the week ahead!

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