.... Home is where I want to be? No. Whoever came up with that song must have had a nice homelife. Granted, mine's not awful but I miss school sorely and I hate being awkward in my own house! A woman called today and this was our conversation:
Me: *pick up phone* hello?
Her: Who is this? (Which first of all, whoever is calling should introduce themselves first)
Her: Is this Judy's place?
Her: I don't know who Allison is...
Me: I'm Lon's daughter
Me: Lon's daughter
Her: Oh, well, is Kay there?
Me: Yes, please hold on.... *go give phone to Kay*
How lame is that? This is not the first time and I haven't been home for three days! Plus, while we were still at school, Kelsey called home and Kay picked up and didn't know who Kelsey was! I don't like people not kowning who I am while they're calling my house. They know my dad but its as if Kelsey and I are non-existant! It's so frustrating...
Plus, things that Dad has yelled and Kelsey and me for our whole lives he now lets go with Judy and Kay. That is really making me angry because he treated my sister and I like crap sometimes and he treats them as if they're Gods. >:( They leave lights/fans on in EVERY room of the house, they leave their dishes sitting in the sink instead of putting them into the dishwasher, and they move things around (especially in the kitchen) and he's fine with all of it! He's so busy trying to impress them that he's being completely fake and not himself which in the long run will only hurt things. Now, if he decides that these things really don't matter, it WILL be a lot easier to get along with him, but beyond that, I still got yelled at for all of those things.
Plus, we "communicated" about four weeks ago after my spring break and he made a point to tell me that I had to ask in advance before my friends come over and make sure to tell him (and implied I need to tell Judy and Kay) when I'm leaving or if Noah is coming over. I can agree with that, but it got on my nerves that he said anything because I already do all of that! If he had said it like a reminder then it wouldn't be so bad but with Dad its as if everything is your fault and you're doing something bad all the time. Then, twice this weekend, Dad has done the opposite of what he told me to do. He and Judy just went out sometime and only mentioned one place that they were going and just want caravaning around my home town. Plus, I invited him and Judy and Kay out to a dinner at a local middle school as a fundraiser for their band and Kay said she didn't really like that type of food that they were serving (although she had served it a week ago!) so she didn't want to go out. Then when Kelsey and I got back all three of the 'adults' were gone and didn't come back until almost eight. So they decided to pay lots of money to go out which dad didn't used to do so that they could eat. Oh... worse? Noah and I had told my dad that we wanted to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for Sunday lunch with our family friends, and that we had wanted to for a week or so now. So while we were at the spaghetti dinner helping a CAUSE, guess where they went? Mexican. So then Dad came back and said that we wouldn't be going to my restaurant the next day because they had already eaten Mexican! Why didn't they wait for 12 hours?! He's absolutely ridiculous now. He does whatever he can to please her and doesn't give a crap about what Kelsey and I want.
Not that he did before but now that he does care about someone else its even more hurtful.... I miss my mom now, but more so I miss my friends. I miss Madison. Moms gone forever and I have accepted that (although I'm still sad) but I COULD be at school. I COULD be with my friends. There's a very good chance that this will be my last summer home. I'll have an apartment next year and I very well may just stay there during summer break. If this summer turns out better than it has started then maybe it won't matter, but... I don't know if I hold high hopes.
Thats another awful thing - my negativity is reaching higher peaks than ever before. I mentioned in an earlier blog about how I feel less positive than I used to be. I think my attitude towards different circumstances in my life have been affecting me. Some are out of my control and others I can do something about. I know I control my attitude but it's extremely difficult especially when the person I have the most problems with has explicitly said they don't care about my feelings on the matter.
I need to try to keep as busy as possible... At least I have Relay, Cici's, Talent Show, finding a job, unpacking my room, coordinating a party, finding a present for Noahs birthday, Wilson, friends, and books to keep me occupied for now. I really am trying to be the proactive person that I consider myself. It's a bit more difficult at school because I don't have the time to head up an organization. Still, I'll do what I can now. I even bought a scrapbook to start working on throughout the weeks ahead which will cover my sophomore year of school. I really hope to keep myself floating on top of this Sea of Sadness. I don't want to drown in it all....
I hope this summer takes an upturn and rather quickly... My temper is getting short with the people I care about and that's no good. Hope, perseverance, love, and friendship will be my bouyies.