The Woman I Thought I'd Be

17 May 2009

After my post yesterday I found myself thinking more and more about what I thought I would be and who I actually am. They're not that different actually, but there are a few minor things I need to work on.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I'd be the woman in the coffee shop drinking some quaintly named beverage with her nose stuck in a book.

Who I am:

I'm the woman who loves to be in coffee shops (but drinks only teas) with her nose stuck in a book.

Who I thought I'd be?

I thought I'd be the woman who woke up early in the morning to see the sun rise and walk around to have a fresh view on life each morning.

Who I am:

I am the woman who can't get up before 8am (with only a few exceptions). Instead of finding inspiration each morning I find comfort in the stars at night.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I'd be a human being who took the time to care. Others often need some help and so few seem to take matters into their own hands. I thought I would be a hand reaching out.

Who I am:

I am the person who holds out her hand to help when it is needed. I'm not perfect at this yet, but I've made great progress and I lead causes that are important to me and I won't back down. I could always do better and I'm glad my feet are on the right path.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I would be the woman to have a perfect family. We would spend Sunday afternoons together and would attend church. I would be able to talk to my parents about anything and my sister and I would be best friend.

who I am:

I am the woman who has loved and lost. My childhood dream is not possible in the sense that I meant, however my sister and I have been closer since college began. I am blessed with that luck.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I would be the maiden to have her prince coming riding in from the horizon to show her his undying love.

Who I am:

I am the woman who was given a precious gift so early in life. Love was handed to me as a gift from God and I accepted; I am not a maiden in distress but rather a confident young woman who found her equal in life and in love.

.... I am....

There are still some things about myself I have yet to define and that is the hardest part of all. I like to keep things organized and written out as lists. It's not always that easy for people. What defines me? Can I even have a definition? People look at my boyfriend and say trombone. Some people would say their children. Others might think their jobs or their religion define them... What would I say about myself? What would my friends say? I have no idea. I think a person is always so used to themselves that they can't exactly say "What makes you YOU?". does that make sense?

There are still some goals I'd like to accomplish (as listed on my 43things site). Some of them would give me something to say about myself while others would help me become a better person.

I want to find a few more hobbies or experiences that would make me feel good about myself (swing dance, yoga, learning a language, picking up the basics on another instrument, etc.).

I long to find my own spirituality... After being so on fire a belief, then really reading, and finally rejecting the idea, well I need to come up with my own beliefs. It's hard to stay spiritual for me though without organized religion. I like group things and growing together in a common belief but I don't believe any exact religion. I want to find myself and my spiritual side again.

That's a fairly good summary for now although it can't possibly explain my feelings on the matter. Some things are so deeply ingrained I can't even separate my thoughts from the general concept. It's difficult to explain the person I want to be - it's too complex and too deep. I'm on the right path though and it'll be a wonderful learning experience along the way.

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