03 June 2009

Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for things to fall into place. Well, more like I've chosen to do that. For so long I worked at having things done my way and things ended up... partially okay. Now I am tired of doing that work but it seems that if I don't, my life won't even come close to the standards I hold. Maybe that's the trick of it. You have to really work hard for the life you want. That seems a bit backwards though doesn't it? You shouldn't have to work forever towards an unattainable goal. What makes you truly happy should be easy and simple.

Why isn't it that way? Is it just me? maybe.... but for some reason I don't think it's quite that simple for anyone or maybe they just haven't reached that crossroad in life yet.

Family is difficult. Friends are difficult. Activities are difficult. Beliefs are difficult. In fact, the only thing that ISN'T difficult so far for me has been love. I've talked about that so many times though that I don't need to repeat it just now.

I'm not exactly complaining (but yes I'm sure it sounds that way). Actually I am just trying to figure life itself out.

How come I have to study so hard to memorize any school subject but I could probably list all 150 original pokemon by heart? Without effort???

Why is it that someone who calls me a best friend flakes on me? Does she actually have a commitment or is there something else going on? Someone mentioned pregnancy to me.... I'm worried now. I don't want to be afraid for something that's not there though.

If staying in shape is good for us, why is it so uncomfortable to exercise? You're sore afterwards. Wouldn't it be better if it was easy to go about. How come healthy foods don't usually taste as good?

These are just examples... a lot of questions have been occuring to me lately and most I don't want to put on here, but it makes me think a lot more now about my decisions. For the first time I haven't actually made an effort and it seems that without my effort things never happen the way they're supposed to. Maybe I really am the organized self-knower. That was a result of my goal list site. It's surprising how the things you've done can define you. I hope to do many more but I'm wondering how to go about it. I value friendship but I could be content being with only Noah for the rest of my life if it came down to it. I want to do a road trip. Most of my friends are guys. that's awkard to parents. if we all go then we have to take multiple cars. If less go I get someone I love and someone I dislike or else all people that are... apathetic. No win-win. I've always got Noah, but I want it to be a fun trip not a date.

A girlfriend texted me today asking if I wanted to go on a roadtrip with her and one of our friends (although I haven't seen the second since high school). I'm considering it. It's not like me honeslty but my friend and her boyfriend just broke up. She could probably use some girl time - God knows I could. They understand. They aren't as comfortable as guys, but they understand. Hmm....

I'm ready for school. apartments, girlfriends, Sarah, photoshoots, classes, clubs, dancing, reading, everyting about JMU. I miss it all and I feel like a shell of myself being at home. Everything is at school now and nothing draws me back home. One of my girls from home will be there next year also. I can't wait. we'll have so much fun! We're already discussing some ideas which is good. No more sitting around or having to go to sides of campuses. she'll be off campus too and we'll have breakfast. ;) I'm looking forward to Sunday Brunches next semester. we'll see if I can actually wake Noah up that early or if he will on his own.

Life isn't bad, its just that summer is not what I was hoping. I'm just tired of the work. Even with work, life cannot be perfect. How much work to make it how good? what's the right balance? I don't know... I intend to figure it out but it might take me a little while. I need to find myself and my goals and wants out of life and people and then move from there and tell others. If I'm not sure myself what's exactly wrong it is rather unfair of me to expect others to understand (especially without telling them about it). I need to make some decisions and let some people know. I'm worried about her. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about us.

Hmm... Noah's right. I'll worry myself to death one of these days. Well, hopefully I can have a good life up until then. It'll just take a little work.

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