Lost in the Sea of People

30 April 2009

This will probably a continutation/combination of previous blogs and a few new bits added in....

I'm not sure exactly where to begin but when I feel so emotional and strong about something the words usually flow out without much thought so hopefully I'll gain some insight from this.

I feel lost, lonely, neglected, sad, helpless, and confused. I consider(ed) myself a happy person, optimistic, and proactive but I'm not sure that those labels apply any more. I'm sad to think that I may have to apply some different labels now. I am never truly happy any more or certainly not as often as I used to be. I don't know when or why it switched and I wish it hadn't. Even my blog is named "A Thousand Reasons to Smile" because I truly do believe you need to look for the positives throughout your life and count each of them. There are many more good things going on in our lives than we usually imagine. I think I may be taking them for granted more now.

Noah and I had a deep conversation tonight but I found out that he feels like thats all we do. That was sad because he sounds like 'every other guy', stereotypically hating any conversations about "where we are" or "where is this relationship headed". Then he sent me a text negating that. I'm so confused! I don't want him to be pushed into talking about stuff that he doesn't like but I really don't know what we're doing any more. We're still dating just like every other couple but we should be so much more. In my heart he is my husband. The person I am meant to be with for my whole life and I wish I could express that more. I feel like we've been in a slump for nearly six months now. I remember when people made fun of us for being cutesy all the time. Not inappropriate or anything but we always showed so much love even after three years that it just caught attention. It seemed to seep out of us. Now it seems like we have more disagreements than anything else or we just sit around and watch tv. I don't know where to go with any of it. What can we do? It's not "appropriate" to be engaged by society's standards and I can't bring back the honeymoon stage. I love him more than anything but I feel like we only give off a negative impression any more. Its not that I love him less or don't like him any more, its just that we have been together for long enough that I can be completely honest with him. I can tell him/show him when I'm upset but the problem is that the good things about him I take for granted. Either we are acting like friends and part of the group or I treat him the way I do my sister. I can be completely honest so family gets the worst side of me because I can be open about how I feel with them. When you have to deal with people all the time it comes off that way. So its all bittersweet. I miss being the cute couple though... I miss us sometimes.

On that, I know that I have changed a lot. I don't think I did much last year and I'm not saying I'm drastically different but more like what I opened with. I don't know if I can call myself a happy person any more. That's awful to think about. I can't just MAKE myself happy though. Whenever I see this blog and it's title I always try to think about what things during my day were good and its just becoming harder and harder. I do try to think of things! I just fail more often now. I miss parts of myself and parts of my life.

I miss being happy. I'm not sure how to rectify that. I miss having everything always perfect between Noah and me. Logically I know that it could never last having us always be happy. I wouldn't go into a relationship expecting us to get married and be happy til the end of our days. No person is perfect so we'd have to work at it, but I'm sad that we're there now. I'm not used to having to work at relationships because ours just flowed so well and so easily for so long. I miss my conversations late into the night (or rather early into the morning) with Jake. He's my best friend and I feel like I just got to know him and now we're drifting. It pains me. Of course I know we're still friends but we just clicked so well together and now I feel like I'm never around him beyond meals or if I am then its also the only time I'm with Noah so I end up talking with him or watching tv... What a waste. On that, I miss DOING. Doing anything really. I feel like I was involved in so much during high school that I cared about and believed in and now I just have to try to keep up with classes. I miss being outside, geocaching, and reading. I miss making friends. I made so many last year and most of them I never even talk to any more. If I have Noah, Jake, and Sarah why bother right? I don't actually feel that way but when I can be with my favorite people in the world then I really don't have the motivation to hang out with just friends. Thats so sad though! Plus I don't even see Noah, Jake, and Sarah that often. From previous paragraphs it should be obvious that my relationship with Noah isn't as easy as it used to be. I don't see Jake nearly as much as I would like and we had just gotten really close. Sarah I feel like I still haven't gotten to know as a BEST friend yet. I'm pretty sure we have that potential but I dont see her enough to take it any farther.

On the bus tonight coming back to my dorm there was another girl across from me. At ISAT three other girls got on and sat down right beside her and the all leaned in and started talking together and were saying things about who was coming up to visit this weekend and such. I was sad and even a little jealous inside. They were all so happy together and had friends coming to visit. My guy friends have visited twice and thats it and they never plan ahead or try to do things with me on their own. We're definitely drifting... but I'm not as sad to see that go. It was a good time in my life during high school band, one of the best actually, but my friendships then were only halfway to what a friendship should be.

I've also been missing my mom a lot more recently. For some reason I keep thinking of her throughout the day and I'm just beginning to regret some things. I know at the time that I was okay with it. I accepted it. I think I may need to start writing down some memories before I forget.... I hate to think that its possible to forget. I wonder where our relationship could have gone. Why didn't I call her every day while I had the chance? She was the one person who really supported Noah and I in our families and I miss that calm assurance. Its so difficult to deal with dad without her. She was the peacemaker in our family. I never really cry about her and I think thats getting to be hard on me. I'm terrified of forgetting her but I can't stand to think about her and be sad and crying all the time. I'm torn inside. Plus I have no place or time to cry. Why is it all hitting me now? A year later.... None of my friends have lost a parent either so its not easy to talk to them about it. I know Jake would do everything in his power to help me but what is there really to do? No one says the right thing and I'm not sure that there is even a right thing to say.

Nothing to say.... I miss affection. During camps and mission trips, I have found the most supportive and accepting people in my life. There is no judgement. Everyone opens their heart, mind, and arms to you and listens to your problems, concerns, addictions, faults, and glories and loves you despite any of it. I made better friends in individual weeks than the rest of my existence (with a few obvious exceptions). Plus, there is always RIGHT and LOVE at these places. When there are no words to say, there is always body. Hugs and hand holding are common and at the end of the week maybe even some kisses around the campers (cheek or hand - usually playful or complete caring). When there is no other way to express love and understanding and heartache or joys, there is always a physical route. I feel like I can't let that side of myself through in day-to-day life. It'd be awkward, I have a boyfriend and people wouldn't understand. I feed off of physical assurances though and it saddens me that its not accepted in every day life. It's gay if a guy shows emotions. A girl is cheating if another guy holds her in his arms. Its getting ridiculous. What is someone supposed to do - shake my hand? ....

I just feel lost and lonely. That is rather depressing because I KNOW that I have people who love me and I have thousands of people around me who can be potential friends but I could just pass them on the sidewalk or sit next to them on the bus and never know. I know there are ways to correct some of these problems but others will just have to work themselves out. I do feel better after writing this out though. Thank you for taking the time to read it. May you find yourself in this vast ocean as well.

Waiting

Do you ever feel like you're just waiting for a certain moment or event to come? Tonight feels that way. Mostly school but there are some other things in the back of my mind too. Well, not really the back of my mind because I discussed them with my parnter. She seems the most understanding out of anyone I talked to so far and I really appreciated that. (Plus she knows FISHERS POPCORN!!!).

The main thing on my list is waiting for this week to be done. Then.... life goals. Probably ones I won't get to for another year or two (and even some beyond that) but I guess I can wait. I feel like I've been waiting for a long time already....

Hopefully once I start getting some of these test knocked out I'll feel better about the whole situation. I can cross my fingers. For other dreams too.

Make Up Time

28 April 2009

Ok, sorry about the blog earlier today but it's been a bit hectic and frustrating. I really had a nice long blog prepared!

I wanted to end tonight on a higher note so I'll touch on a topic about relationships.

It's interesting how the right person can change your mood about something. For instance, tonight my geology partner Sharon changed how I felt about the day. She didn't even do it on purpose, it just happened. Although I still find todays events annoying, I see the day more as 'productive' now. All she did was listen, respond, and help me work on my project. It made a lot of difference. We worked for three hours in the library tonight and we never once hit a stalemate, unsure of what direction to head in with our project. We got a fair amount of work done and we have more planned time ahead to work together. We even took a break for some drinks in between (love my chai javalanches!).

For some reason, having someone else with oddly similar situations and problems understanding where I was coming from. Maybe its because she shares my major or maybe because we're working on the exact same 230 project... I don't know. it doesn't really matter.

I guess I just wanted to relay the message that we've all heard but sometimes doubt - You can make all the difference. You don't even have to do anything special. Listen. Talk. Share. Understand. It can be that simple.

There are many friends in my life who have had this impact on me, tonight it just happened to be Sharon. I hope that you all have those close to you who can help when you have a rough day, week, or year and that you in turn can help someone when life has led them down a difficult road. Mucho amor.

Screw Today

I had a nice long blog written about today and what went wrong and went in depth about little points trying to find the good. It was a really nice size too. I was trying to be all positive and then my internet browser stopped working and closed itself. It's a sign, it's not meant to be. Today sucked. The end.

Evening on the Quad

27 April 2009

Much of yesterday was spent indoors in a library working on a geology project with my parnter. I decided to treat myself to a picture extravaganza with my friends in the evening as a break. Most of the pictures turned out rather well! I've already been here for two years.... hard to believe. Just three more to go and I'll be outside of the JMU bubble - it's all happening too fast.

My main group of friends at school and I hang out several times a week and we always eat dinner together. Most of us live in the same area at home too but I wasn't friends with anyone from the group except Noah before I came to JMU.









I go to an absolutely lovely school. The people are amazing, the campus is beautiful, I love my major, I have my friends, and I have Noah. I am so lucky!

I hope my study habits continue throughout these last two weeks! It's becoming rather difficult to focus on school work because the school year feels like it should already be over. It's really warm outside and Apple Blossom is this weekend!

Hope everyone has a pleasant Monday evening. Sit down, read a book, and enjoy a nice drink or snack! Then get down to business - study, study, STUDY.


My sister and I are pictured here on the Kissing Rock out on the Quad.








My favorite person in the world (below). I love him so much and I hope to spend the rest of our lives together.




Reasons to Smile

24 April 2009

My reasons to smile today:

Revival tonight at my church!
- This means that I'll get to see Judy and Brenda again! They are two wonderful women who have come to lead worship at church camp practically since my childhood. They are filled with such spirit and energy that its very challenging to keep an unhappy mood around them. Typically I only see them at Bethany Beach (where our camp conference is held) but for the past three years they've been coming to our church during our Revival. I love that they're women and of different races because in our area there's really only white people and its always refreshing to see diversity. There are a number of people in my church actually that I know see race differently than I do... How unfortunate in this day and age.
Anyways, they have played a relatively large role in my life considering how little time I get to spend with them. I'm looking forward to seeing them tonight to say Thank You. At my mom's funeral (nearly a year ago now... wow) they turned the whole mood around. Everyone is sad and it's difficult being part of the family and feeling that loss and knowing everyone is there for you. We dedicated a time during the service for people to stand up and speak about my mom if they felt moved to do so. I had many people tell me afterwards that they wanted to say things (and would proceed to tell me) but didn't want to stand up at the time. Four people/groups did. One was my mom's minister from her church when she was little. He told a few stories about "Susie" and her brother and father (who was the other minister at their church). Also Kathy Vance, my mom's best friend had written something to say but had her daughter Sam who is my age read it because she wasn't able to. That was touching because I actually knew their relationship and just as she is a mom to me, my mom was to her kids in turn. We had been very interconnected growing up. Then someone unexpected stood up and came to the front. A guy my age, who is a little mentally slower than average, had the courage to come up front and speak. He didn't know my mom very well and I vividly remember dad looking at me and having a question in his eyes: what could he have to say? John Michael didn't say a lot but he said about how my mom made him feel welcome. Whenever he walked to our house or biked she always invited him in and would give him a hug. The thing he remembered the best about her was her smile. That's touching to me. My dad had told me just a few days before (right after mom had passed away) that the thing he noticed most about mom on their first couple of dates was her smile. She was always smiling. And I'm sad to say that I had never really given it any thought before hand. Since then I've noticed every comment that people make about my smile and those comments come more often than I ever realized. He really said some wonderful things.
Although I went a little bit astray from where I meant to go with this, I'm glad I've discussed it; I'm afraid some days that I'm forgeting things about her... What I wanted to say on the topic of Judy and Brenda though is how they changed the service from those thoughts (although what EVERYONE said was lovely). They came up and instead of being meek and sorrowful the way everyone was acting they took on the attitude that I wish I could naturally flow into. They knew my mom from church camp where she had directed, led classes, and had been in her element. Judy and Brenda let their power shine through and said wonderful things but with a loud voice. Brenda is the minister in the typical sense of thinking and Judy plays a fierce keyboard/piano. Judy played in the background while Brenda spoke and the went at it with a passion instead of crying or quietly bringing back memories. Then Brenda made a statement, one that affected probably a fourth of the people in the room more than the other three quarters realized, "I've got my mind made up, and I won't turn back". Suddenly, Judy's playing underneath became stronger and more heated and they transitioned into a song that people from Family Camp knew by heart. Everyone that knew it sang along and our moods were uplifted and instead of being sad (well, at least as sad), I felt more of the blessing that I had with mom in my life. They made the service rememberable.

I don't mean to transition too quickly but that was probably the most important thing... I also need to finish packing some stuff up to take home tonight so I'll list the rest quicker than that I promise.

The Geology Test on Monday
- Originially the test had to be taken today at the latest but my professor pushed it back so I have more time to study now!

Previous Geology Test
- We just got our grades back today on a test we took a few weeks ago. I got a B! I was terrified that I had failed and I've gotten really worried about his class, but I probably have around a B overall actually which is GREAT! (Plus my partner and I have scheduled out five/six hours on Sunday to work on our project)

Philosophy of Education
- I didn't do my absolute best on my paper so I still feel a bit guilty but I still got an A on it! I probably have a 98 or 99 A in my Education Class!

Workshop in Chemistry
- I've done rather well in Chemistry recently. A on the last test. A on Aris. A on my last four or five labs. 100% on the last two workshops. I'll probably end up with a B or C but I'm still proud that I'm passing chemistry where others have failed or dropped no matter what my passing grade is.

Books
- I'm nearly done the fourth wheel of time book. This is good for two reasons. I love reading and I'm glad I got time to read. Also I'm glad that it's almost done because I would easily choose reading over homework and now I won't be distracted for the whole weekend.

Weekend
- It's finally Friday and not only do I have the revival but there's great weather ahead and plenty more time to study for my finals and test next week. ALL of them are very important. I'm looking forward to scheduling out my time and getting GREAT gradeson all of them. (hopefully) All there is now is ARIS for tomorrow by noon. Better remember in the morning because there won't be time tonight.

Hope the weekend is wonderful for everyone!

cuatro anos

22 April 2009

Today was mine and Noah's four year anniversary! We went to Blackfriars and honestly I'm pretty tired. I'll try to post more about it tomorrow. Sorry.... this probably doesn't count as a BEDA blog though.

Peace and Productivity

21 April 2009

Today was rather a good day overall.

I managed to get a fair amount of work done (I still NEED to study Geology for my test on Friday though). I began my day by reading for an hour which I love. I wish every day could start that way. Then I headed to East Campus Library and bought a Chai Latte and studied/organized notes/and reviewed for my test. After that I took an ICS to Lets Go and ate some delicious food outside even though it started to sprinkle on me.

I had planned plenty of time to get to class and I even got there early for lab. I went upstairs in Memorial to talk to Professor Kearns for a bit but she was pretty busy. I worked on my project all throughout lab and got a fair bit of work done. Hopefully Sharon will have some ideas about a few of the unlabeled depositional environments.... :l

Then I went back to my dorm room and read for another half an hour (which was rather irresponsible) then worked on Education.

I grabbed dinner with Jake, Sarah, and Noah at Dukes and I had wonderful Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal. YUMMY!! I was unfortunately in need of a new notebook with only a week and a half left to go so I went to the bookstore and bought one - which was way too expensive.

Then I caught another bus back to Chesapeake and finished my Education homework of correcting all my quizzes. Noah came to the dorm around 7:30pm and we went to a program downstairs that lasted all of five minutes and we each got two free pieces of pizza out of the deal. :D (A great day for food if I do say so myself) Then we watched one episode of FRIENDS after he made himself as a south park character. He left at 9pm but it was really nice to have him over here so I could just start my homework afterwards. I have copied over my field notes for geology and scheduled out my finals times. I'm about to go finish up chemistry reading for the night and complete a spanish article. that's probably all I'll have time for.

It was a nice combination throughout the day of enjoyable food (and lattes), Noah-time, reading, and schoolwork. I think I'll still have to step up the schoolwork a notch.

Oh! Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary and we're going to a Shakesperean Theatre called Blackfriars. :) I'm really excited to see Hamlet and I'll write about it tomorrow (or maybe Thursday depending on how late we get back).

Also, on Thursday I plan to attend a NSTA meeting. National Science Teacher Association. The organization is just starting up at JMU and I think it'd be great to join! I'd love to get some teaching ideas a bit early. Hope everyone else can sit back and relax some day this week! Love all.

Scream

20 April 2009

The day your door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
But I’m not sure anymore,
It’s just so hard.
It's like nothing works without you.

Today was an official rainy Monday. I'm always happier when the sky is blue and the grass is a lush green but I try to keep a consciously positive attitude when it's raining. I know that I become more negative so I try to counterbalance.

So now I'm torn between two extremes. One is complete love and adoration (and maybe neediness) and the other is distance and disdain. I wonder sometimes what I'm supposed to do in our situation. My boyfriend is the most important person in my life without question and I'm often happiest with him. Last semester I spent a lot of time with him at his dorm and with our mutual best friend. We sort of stopped appreciating our time together and I got frustrated with how often videogames were played (and I'm sure he was frustrated with how often I complained about it) so this semester we decided to have more individual time.

I'm not even sure if he's truly noticed that I stay away more. I'm not there during all of my free time. My dorm room is where I'm at most of the time if I'm out of class but on some nights I still like to visit him. I like to be with him but after all these years we've run out of conversations left to have and we know that if we're together a lot then we need to have time for ourselves to do work. I wonder if we still spend too much time together. I'm happy with him and I feel like I don't get enough but maybe I'm never supposed to. I should always want more time right? If I am truly happy? Society doesn't seem to think so. There are many couples who don't see each other as often as we do but I always thought they just didn't try to make enough time for each other. Honestly, I still do think that, but I wonder whether they don't have the right of things.

Tonight wasn't his fault, but I can't stand being in his dorm room any more. I need to be my own person or have my own space because I just can't be around his friend. I think the saddest part of that for me is semi-losing Jake. The only time I see him now is for meals and when I'm in his room... If I no longer come to the room then we won't have our night time conversations any more. I already feel like I'm losing him. Maybe the summer will provide more opportunities. Maybe. :(

Noah on the other hand... well, I expect him to come to me some more. If we do decide to see each other then it needs to be more on our own because his friend makes me angry just being in the same room now. Noah and I have to purposely put aside time for each other now without our friends. We started dating my sophomore year of high school and so we couldn't even drive at the very beginning. Also, high school (and college) is a time for friends and being similar people we had the same friends. So when we're together we're usually with our friends. I love my friends and I love spending time with them. This is by no means on them but Noah and I sort of fell into the pattern of being 'friends' as well. We are't the touchy/coupley sort who gross everyone else out. We're not the fun couple. We're not the 'still in the honeymoon stage' couple. We just are. I know our relationship is more mature in everyway than any one of those other types, but I feel like we just skipped the parts of being young and in love.

We don't go on dates, we don't take hikes just the two of us, go on picnics, or make food together. Okay, we've made food together this past summer a hundred times but it was for my whole family because my mom was no longer there to do that for us. It wasn't in a romantic way whatsoever. We've been on one (?) picnic during our four years that was outside of my yard. I'm jealous of the couples that everyone looks at and says how cute they are. And I'm happy. That's what really gets me. I know how lucky I am and I truly love him but I'm STILL jealous. How is that even possible? It makes me feel bad.

I know I have nothing to really complain about but it's one of those days when I feel low down the priority list for him. And that's completely unfair of me because I'm pretty sure I'm the most important thing in his life (besides trombone of course). Still, I picture all the relationships I idolize and I wonder whether the girl would have left walking by herself in the rain.... Usually her Prince Charming will come running after her. This is the first time (maybe ever) that I was this upset and just left. We're way better than this. We always talk things out. I've even stormed out once before and just sat in the yard in front of his dorm and when he texted me twenty minutes later asking "what can I do to make this up to you? I don't want us to be mad." I told him I was still outside. I felt compelled to stay. I don't think it's right to leave when you're upset (at least when it's someone you truly love. I only leave people angry when I don't care about them because they're not worth my time. His friend I was talking about from earlier would EASILY fall into that category). I'm a firm believer in "Never let the sun fall while you are angry". I try not to go to bed angry but it's not always possible...

I'm already feeling better about tonight. Probably becasue I'm distanced from the problem and was capable of writing out how I feel. I find that explaining my feelings (usually to Jake or on here) really helps me find my center and priorities a bit more. Hah. Just makes me miss Jake more. :(

Well, I know this doesn't really count as one of the 1,000s of reasons to smile but I'll try to leave it with a little happier of a turn to let you know where I truly stand on things.

I do completely love Noah and I think I'll have let this go by tomorrow or at the latest Wednesday, but it's just nice to vent how I feel. I truly appreciate how lucky I am to have found him this young and I know this isn't a big problem. One day he'll be my husband and we'll live together and we'll be spending tons of time together and I know I should just be patient. I'm sick of adults thinking I don't know that. I do. Sometimes emotions just get the better of us all though. I'm sure I can come up with 1,000 reasons to smile just talking about Noah so don't be too concerned. Thanks for reading though. Hope everyone had a better Monday and if not... well, there's Tuesday to look forward to.

Rocks and Relay

19 April 2009

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday but I promise I have a valid excuse!

My morning began at 6:40am (on a Saturday!!) and ended with Relay for Life.

Geology class had a field trip today to many, many outcrops and we headed away from Memorial Hall at 8am. We headed from Harrisonburg over towards Keezeltown, up to Shenandoah then Luray, and then head back home from Thorton's Gap on Skyline Drive in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was an absolutely beautiful day.

Many rock outcrops were on the sides of the road (usually the side across from where we parked). We had 'chalk talks' which are named that because in the olden days, teachers/professors would bring a chalkboard along and would explain while making marks on the board. We stopped along a geology trail. That's what I call it anyways because there were tons of signs that only geologists would understand. At the end there was a beautiful overlook that showed Paige County from Massanutten Mountain. We could also see the Blue Ridge across from us.

My favorite part of the day was when we hiked Little Stony Man on Skyline Drive. It was a perfect day for a hike. It wasn't too long of a hike either and at the top there was a nice breeze. Perfect. I need to get out and do more hikes now. I really enjoyed myself.

When I got back to JMU, I had dinner and then went to Relay for Life. There was a wonderful turnout and the Survivor Lap made me miss my mom. I'm so proud of everyone who came out to support the American Cancer Society. I really hope that one day no more people will hear the words "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer".

Sorry this one is relatively short, but I need to do some sort of studying/homework today. I hope everyone is cheerful and have a wonderful Sunday!

Priorities

17 April 2009

Today was one of those "productive days". All of my free time until after dinner was spent studying, doing homework, going to class, working on a partner project, or doing things that are necessary (applying for a summer job for example). On the really bright side:

I sent in my job application for parks and rec.
My Transfer Credit form is turned in!
I've talked with Professor Nambiar who teaches physics at the community college I want to attend about an override

Carnival on the Commons

Yesterday I was working a stand for March of Dimes (proceeds go to premature babies) on JMU Commons. My club, Circle K, was not the only one set up. Earth Club had a free store where you could take anything you wanted for free (items had been donated). People were passing out 'gay? fine by me' t-shirts and there was also cotton candy and even a moonbounce! It was really exciting. Events never ran dry and eventually music was pumping.

After my hour and a half on the Commons (and a burn) I went to listen to Senator Mark Warner speak in Grafton-Stovall, our movie theater. He was interesting to listen to and he explained some things that had been unclear to me before such as some ways the stimulus plan is going to help our economy. Well, hopefully going to help our economy.

I also got to see Noah for a bit. The rest of the evening was spent on my paper.

Do you remember anyone specifically even though they had a relatively small time with you? For instance, I remember a woman who gave my sister and I each a quarter in Food Lion for the toy machines when I was very young. All she did was stop and give me a quarter but I remember it to this day! What an impact she had and she'll never even know it. It'd be nice to do something like that for a kid today, although I'm not sure how. I can't even remember the last time I saw a kid get something from a Quarter Machine.... Still, I hope that woman has received her kindness in due.

Freegans and an A+

15 April 2009

The last week or so has been pretty much amazing. It's continually good which I love; it's so unusual to go this many days with good things happening!

Today I found out that my chemistry exam (which a teacher had told me I got an A on) was graded incorrectly. A question was wrong on the key. He told us which problem it was and what it was actually supposed to be. I had previously gotten that question wrong but it was actually right so now my grade is an A+! How crazy is that?? And in chemistry???

Also, tonight in College Democrats a 'freegan' came in to talk with our club. His name is William and he dumpster dives, has a mix of religions, is polyamorous, and he won't wear shoes unless in a dining hall. He's certainly a free-thinker and although the lifestyle that he leads is not for me, it was certainly interesting to listen to him and his beliefs.

Beyond that I don't have too much to say tonight! I'll try to dig a little deeper tomorrow but I've got to get to bed. Mark Warner is coming to JMU tomorrow and I want to be up and ready for his visit!

Humanity is Coming Through

14 April 2009

To be honest, I feel disappointed by people much of the time. I was raised in the church (although I wouldn't call myself a Christian now) and my parents instilled 'good' morals in me. Yes, I'm sure what I consider good morals is just my opinion, but its hard to go wrong when it's things like: don't cheat, help people whenever possible, do your best, be positive, etc. I feel like most people don't have those same values and that can be really frustrating sometimes.

During the last 24 hours though, people have come through really well. I'm a captain for my church's relay for life team back home and I decided to take up the ACS's advice and ASK ASK ASK. I sent a message out to all my friends on facebook last night around 8pm. Of course, not everyone has donated to the cause, but people that I never would have even thought to ask for donations have donated! In 24 hours people have donated over $150 dollars! That's so exciting!

Really, I'm so thankful to everyone. Cancer is a very personal battle for me after my experience with my mom and it touches EVERYONE. I send a BIG thank you to everyone who donated!


Donate Here

I've Reached the Mountain

13 April 2009

...but it's in the valleys I grow.

Still, it's really nice to be 'on top of the world' for a day so a mountain is fine with me!

The only bad things I have to say about today is that I didn't get into Bio 114. :( They said only bio majors can get in - which is WRONG because my advisor worked this out with them last year. Earth Science majors are required to take bio 114 to graduate so they NEED to let us in. I'll talk to Doctor Leslie tomorrow though and hopefully he'll get me in.

Onto the brighter (higher) side of things. I found out I got a 20/20 en mi examen en Espanol! My first 100% in there, although along with my A on the presentation and on the midterm, I'm in pretty good shape to get an A in the class. :D YAY!

Then I got my chemistry grade back.... dun dun DUN. Actually, I got a 16/20!!!! YES! Even better - with the curve, that's an A! I can't even begin to explain how excited I was when I read the curve! I actually exclaimed out loud and threw my arms up in the air (and I was in Warren where The Public is during this too). I'm still so psyched!

I also got mail today! Not just that, but a PACKAGE! A real package. It even had stickers on the outside. <3 One of my BEST friends, Heather, sent me a very sweet note and some pictures of her son! I love them both and I can't wait to get home to visit her.

I did get most of the classes I wanted and right now at least, everything is looking okay... I still really want to get into the Bio 114 class but I'll have to rearrange my whole schedule for it. At least, I would have the right schedule then. Plus, I'm still trying to decide if I want to TA next semester. I would get paid which would be awesome!

For my own reference, a list of things I still need to do:
~Register for Physics at LFCC
~Activate my new Debit Card
~Get my car inspected
~Complete Transient Form
~Apply for Parks and Rec.
~Thank everyone who gave me Easter presents
~Finish Philosophy of Education paper
~Study for the Geology Exam
~Record my finals week schedule
~More that I'm forgetting just now....
~Fundraise for Relay for Life



Eggs and Gift Cards

12 April 2009

Well, it's been a really busy weekend but I'm going to try to avoid some of the drama.

Some great things that happened this weekend (in list form because this blog would be way too long otherwise):

-Ate lunch with Jake and James at Hayfield
-Easter Egg Hunt at church saturday morning, getting to watch all the kids
-Being with Noah on Saturday just the two of us
-Eating dinner out (so Kelsey and I didn't have to cook)
-Seeing my church family
-Having great songs to play in the Early Service
-Kathy Sutphin's sausage gravy
-Egg hunt at home
-finding old gift cards with $ still on them
-a carride back with Noah


... Some of the more negative things:
-adults yelling/very stern talking at teenagers to hurry up when they're going AS FAST AS POSSIBLE
-things being unfair when they should be fair (like the SAME kid getting the grand prize egg for about 4 years
-Dad telling Kelsey and I what we "think we know"... it just showed how very little he actually knows about us
-Judy and Kay moving in this weekend
-missing the revival b/c of a rock outcrop
-only having one family talk with me about relay for life after my service announcement
-not being signed up for Physics 140 yet
-all other sophomores had their class scheduling dates
-boyfriend's parents telling him that he should date other people

So, I plan on reading tonight. The day has truly been a mix of good and bad (as well as the whole weekend).

The Gratitude Dance, Truckers, and Synapsidans

10 April 2009

What a busy day! Many exciting events, projects, tests, hospitals, services, and funny scenarios of which I need to mention.

I'll start with the schoolwork (get the boring stuff out of the way). I got little sleep last night in comparison to normal because I decided to stay up a bit late and wake up early to work on my Philosophy of Education paper. I did get enough done in the end - for a rough draft, but I was worried about it. I also had a Chem exam today. Chapters 7, 8, and 9 have been so much better than the previous chapters. Mostly they are about elctron configurations, photons, and light waves. Nothing too difficult in comparison to redox; I still don't understand redox.

This morning at Memorial Hall, basically where I live because it's the building with both the Geology and Education departments, I got a Chai Javalanche and sat down to study chemistry. That only took about twenty minutes and then I headed to Geol230, Evolution of Earth at 9:05. We're finally on a more interesting subject. Recently, Professor Fichter began to discuss the geologic timeline and what happened throughout the course of history (which is much more exciting than three classes on the way ripples work). Today we were talking about the Mississippian, Pennsylvanian, and Permian which means ... Amphibians and Reptiles! Finally some life beyond fish. :)

Anyways, to make this story short, my professor started talking about the reptiles, particularly those distantly related to us (the Synapsidans). Fichter began, "Mammals walk around with their legs right underneath of them, you've seen it" and he put his hands and legs straight underneath of him while he bent over. Then he continued, "Reptiles, however, had their legs out to the side like this [he puts both of his arms out at 90 degree angles and puts his hands down onto the table]. So even though those reptiles are our ancestors and were as big as a cow they ran like this [he begins slapping the table with his palms while making a sort of 'charging' noise]". It was really funny because he did it all only a table in front of me and stared at me while he did acted out being an ancient reptile.

It was really hard not to laugh at him. Similar to the time he told us about snails. Apparently, snails are really resilient and survived the major extinctions (even when 96% of the species on Earth did die out). Although, they have spent all their time since trying to overcome one anatomical error. Apparently when their muscles get strong, their bodies curl up over themselves so that their butt ends up on top of their own head. Basically they poop on themselves (and have done so for millions of years). Sort of similar to this except as a snail and crawling on their bellies! Ficther can be... interesting when it comes to what extra information he decides to teach in class.

In Education we exchanged our Philosophies of Education. Mine are Progressivism and Social Reconstructionism which I'm happy with because I feel like they both really do represent me. My professor, Mrs. Saxton, asked who has already been admitted into the education program and some kids raised their hands. Then she had our whole class stand up and she told us that she wanted us to try a new dance. (Education 360 is highly recommended by me now) We had to bend our arms slightly inward in front of our bodies and bend our knees, then swing back and forth. Although, I found the
Gratitude Dance online and it looks like you're supposed to actually be crossing your arms. Apparently it is well known and you're supposed to do the dance whenever you have something you're thankful for. For instance, "I am grateful I learned the Gratitude Dance because it always puts a smile on peoples' faces (perhaps because you look so hilarious when you're doing it)" - and then you DO THE GRATITUDE DANCE. Everyone was laughing or blushing when we were done in class. I decided to try it a couple of times throughout the day and I don't think there was a single instance that someone didn't at least crack a smile (if not outright laugh at me). It was a lot of fun! I'm really going to miss my professor next semester. She only teaches Elementary classes beyond this and I'm training for High School Earth Science.

Today is Good Friday so Noah, Jake, Jeff, and I headed home to Winchester to celebrate Easter with our families. On the way someone (Jake?) suggested that we try to get trucks to honk their horns at us. We got six trucks on I-81 N to honk at us. I hadn't done that in years! The only disappointment was how many drivers don't even look at the cars passing them. We passed at least four who were looking on the seat beside them and one guy even saw us then didn't pull the whistle. :( Still, it was really fun ride and I felt like I was riding back towards childhood.

I grabbed the papers I needed from my local community college for summer classes (Hallelujah, Physics 140 can be taken at VCCS). Then Jeff was dropped off and Noah and I stayed at Jake's house for about half an hour. We then headed to meet Noah's family at Olive Garden. I just feel awkward now around his family.... Little things end up annoying me more and more. As an example, I haven't seen Jake Tarren in ages and Sam said "Oh I see him all the time"...... I know she probably didn't mean anything by it, but I felt like just screaming "I'm sorry I'm not homeschooled and still living in Winchester or maybe I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted too!". That's really not fair but little things like that go on all the time. Mr. and Mrs. Lizer asked Sam more than three times the number of questions they asked me and Nic and Sam were STILL being awkward. New couples can often be frustrating because they're in that 'honeymoon stage', but Nic and Sam seem particularly bad... It grates on my nerves (especially since Noah's parents used to call us out because of a peck on the lips for goodbye). >:( Still, I know I have such a great relationship, that none of this will really matter in the end.

At the end of dinner, Kelsey called Noah because I turn my phone on silent when I'm out to eat and asked to talk to me. She said "What's going on? I got a text from Dad saying Emergency Room.". I didn't know that! I checked my phone and told her, "I'm leaving dinner right now and am going to the hospital, I'll call you when I learn something". We hung up and I had to excuse myself rather quickly from dinner. I got out to the car and Noah caught up to me saying he was coming too (his stuff was in my car still). We got about 3/4 of the way to the hospital - just a few minutes- and then I got a call from Dad explaining what had happened. Apparently while he was mowing the church's lawn the mower flipped on top of him and his foot got caught underneath. Granted, that's not good but in comparison to what I was thinking, it's not bad either. Dad has already had one heart attack, he has diabetes, and he doesn't exercise. Plus, my grandpa had been working with him. My first thought was "heart attack". When he had his first my 9th grade year of high school, the doctor told dad that he very likely would not survive a second one.

The worst part was that even when I thought about what it would be like to have lost both my parents in one year.... I didn't feel like it would be very different from the way things are now. I can't remember the last time I felt as lonely as I did after that thought. No kid should ever feel that way...

Anyways, he will be fine (I think - he's not home yet and it's 9:30pm, usually he's asleep by now). He told me not to come to the Emergency Room because he just thought it would be better to check while he was so close to the hospital. For anyone reading this who doesn't know, my church is right across the street from the hospital. I did end up going to the hospital and eventually found the emergency room (that place is a labryinth!) but didn't go in. The door said "Authorized Personnel Only" and he had told me not to come so I stopped after already getting there. How many people would do that? Is that strange? To make it so far but not actually go in to see him.... Was I doing it because I wanted to or because I felt obligated to show that I cared? I hate having to ask myself, and I hate my answer even more.

After debating for a few minutes I decided to just leave and head to our church's Good Friday service across the road. Not many people were there (I called a few to see if they were coming and they didn't even know that there was a service). I was asked to do a reading so I agreed; they gave me the longest part too. It was okay though, after years of playing the saxophone for Early Service reading a prepared coulpe of paragraphs doesn't seem so bad. It was a nice service but rather short. Roughly 40 minutes total.

It was good to see my church family again but I'm looking forward to the egg hunt tomorrow even more! Hope there are many more funny days and professors ahead!

Don't forget to do the Gratitude Dance!!! :D

Lets Make a Night

09 April 2009

So, I already failed at BEDA, but it was for the greater good (by that I mean I forgot). Actually, I did remember but it was already 12:12am so it wouldn't have counted for yesterday anyways. That's okay, I still have twenty or so days to finish this out. Besides, last night was totally worth not blogging. ;)

Ever have time with a good friend that makes you feel whole and completely happy? Last night was one of those nights. Last semester I stayed in my boyfriend's dorm rather often but this semester time has really dwindled down due to different circumstances: the appearance of my roommate, class schedules, and the need for more space in a bed - they're all twins! My boyfriend's roommate is our best friend (yes, both of ours). He really doesn't mind me staying the night and honestly it's as much for him as for Noah (my boyfriend). Usually the evening is spent with Noah relaxing and watching tv and a bit of talking but once it hits around midnight, Noah gets sleepy and I end up talking to Jake for the night.

I love a GOOD conversation. You can't just fall into the deep, personal stuff and you also can't just talk about stuff with any random person. In my health class last semester, the professor asked the class who had at least one person they could tell EVERYTHING to. Only about half the class raised their hand. I was astounded. I have two people that I can tell everything to but half the class didn't even have one. That class has really stuck with me because I didn't realize how few people had true friends like that. I'm honestly not sure if it bothered the other students but it's always been so important to me to be loved and to understand someone as well as have them understand me. People complete life.

To conclude, for me it is really important to have someone(s) in my life that I can talk to. In fact, I think having two (or more) people is even better because you can get different perspectives and if one is too busy then you can talk to the other person. I hope I will retain and gain friendships like these throughout my life!

Take It Back

07 April 2009

It's strange how I can be 19 and yet feel really old. It feels like so much of life has gone by that it's hard to believe I've barely begun. Today I was talking with a guy on the night bus about how I don't listen to "modern music" because I don't have a radio at school. How old am I? I remember when some of the 'kids' at my church (by that I mean high schoolers) were babies. I also remember no ipods, my parents not wanting me to have email, and no cell phones. It seems like a different lifetime.

It's strange how I remember those things that really don't matter. Some of the things that are the most important to me I seem to forget. Either it's something I've ended up taking for granted or something thats so painful to even think about that I can't look at the good times without getting sad. I feel like I'm really forgetting some of the best parts of life. How many jokes have been shared between friends that I haven't written down? How many friends get ignored?

I was talking with a friend today who I met six years ago on a mission trip. The trip was one week long and we STILL talk today. We live in different states, half a country apart. Technology has done wonders for society and will help us remember our pasts when we reach that not-so-far-off future. I highly doubt I'd be talking to that friend without a cell phone or facebook. Sad, but it is really good that our technology allows that freedom. I remember the 'old' times but the new ones are good too.

Maybe I'll try to write one of the best parts of my day. Consciously think about what happened in my day and try to preserve those memories a bit better. Today.... Well, I'm not sure because I already mentioned the Vermont thing and although that doesn't affect me personally it is a GREAT thing. I think my favorite part as cliche as it might be is the fact that I got to cuddle with Noah at the end of it all. Sometimes it feels like we're so used to each other that it doesn't matter any more, but I love him and I'm lucky to have him near me daily now. A nice finish to the day.

Another thing I really like is when Pidge, Sassafras, and I study together. Pidge always tries his best to habla en espanol. :) He sometimes uses funny accents and stuff too and while I'm sure I would just straight up say the words, I appreciate the extra effort put forth. Studying with a group (for any class) seems to really help me. I'll have to remember that for next semester!

Sorry this one is sort of hitting multiple topics but I didn't really come into it with a set idea and I sort of procrastinated all day long so I don't have too much to say. O.o Have a wonderful night.

A Little More Love in the World

This won't be counting for my BEDA blog today but I just wanted to give a pat to Vermont for passing their own Gay Marriage Law today! They overrode the governor and had 2/3 of the state senate and house to pass the law. Read up more on it here:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-gay-marriage-vermont,0,2518471.story

I am so glad that our world (although ever so slowly) is beginning to accept all the people in it. Instead of telling each other that there is too much "sin" in the world why don't we accept the love? Some days it seems like there is so little love left, why would we put down those who fight so hard to show theirs? It seems backwards to me. Anyways, I'm glad that Vermont passed the law and hopefully more states will follow suit. Have a love-filled day!

Fire Alarms and Turkey

06 April 2009

In my dorm today, the alarm went off five times within twenty minutes! That's sort of insane. The first time the alarm went off, all the lights did too and everyone in the dorm headed outside. We stood for about eight minutes outside. Then we got back in the dorm and it went off four more times but only for a short period of time each. It was very annoying.

We often have little interruptions in life and it can be really difficult to go along with the flow and not let it cause us anxiety or frustration. Myself, well I'm particularly bad about it. I also procrastinate as you would be able to tell if you knew I had tons of homework but instead am on here blogging.

On a completely other note, I wanted to mention Obama and his visit to Turkey. He said "The United States is not and never will be at war with Islam". Pretty fantastic! He said the Muslim Americans have made major contributions to society. I say "ABOUT TIME!". I'm not Muslim, in fact I don't think I can say I'm of any faith in particular but every religion has beautiful beliefs somewhere in it and for Americans to be saying people are terrorist based on religion is idiotic. It diminishes us. Every faith, every color, both genders, tall and short, etc. have all made contributions to the world we live in and we should respect that.

I know this post is rather short, but I really shouldn't be on the computer too much longer. I'll try to make tomorrow's a bit more personal though.

Thumbnail and the Tennis Teams

05 April 2009

Have you ever paid any attention to how a nickname can help someone feel included? Whether it's meaningful or silly, the fact that a nickname has been bestowed upon you makes you feel welcome.

Today I was playing tennis with my friends near UREC and because we were playing doubles decided to mix the teams once in a while. Each time we switched we created team names and each person had a nickname. Team names varied from "The Love Team" to "Ninja Swordfish" also "The Spotless Minds" and even "Band of the Red Hand". Nicknames were even more random including: blowfish, funk, pidge, thumbnail, sassafras, rock, gandalf, cutie, sweetie, and Judas. It made the game more interesting to try and remember everyone's names and yell out to your partner! "Go Gandalf!"

In middle school my 'nickname' was Freezer Burn. We had all been randomly assigning each other nicknames on the school bus one morning and they carried over into the actual school day as well. That nickname is still in my email address today. It's strange, it's unique, and I really liked it. I loved eighth grade and the closeness that my friends and I had with one another. Giving each other nicknames helped us feel even closer.

This semester in college, nicknames have sort of happened upon us. I was in Noah & Jake's dorm room and for some reason Jake was asking me what I wanted to be called and he held his fist in front of my face acting as if it was a microphone. I didn't understand what he was doing so I just looked at his hand in front of my face and said "thumbnail" because his hand was pointing towards me and that stuck.

Jake, Sarah, and I were studying Espanol one night and I was trying to roll my R's and Jake made fun of me for it saying something about the Spanish never understanding what I was making an attempt at. Then I came back at him about sounding like a pigeon (for a reason no longer remembered) and he always wears his JMU sweatshirt proudly which is gray so he became "Pigeon" or more commonly "pidge" for short.

Today during the tennis team sessions Noah called Sarah 'sassy' then Jake took it a step further saying "Come on Sassafras" and I'm sure that one is going to stick. It seems perfect for her especially with 'sassy' for short. :D

We still need to come up with a good one for Noah. We can't just pull one out of the hat, it needs to happen. If we're lucky it'll happen before the end of the semester, but he's not the type that would let it bother him. I can't even say if it is as fun for everyone else as it is for me but I love all the cheesy stuff about life. When relationships are absolutely perfect and you all have nicknames and have stories to tell kids. The little things like this can just be icing on the cake of life!

Now, you obviously don't need nicknames to have fun or to feel close but it's just an extra little bonus to have something going between you; another inside joke of sorts. It's so much fun!

Want to know what else is fun? Having a free day! It feels like ages since I was last able to just relax like today. Granted, I probably should have made at least an attempt to get homework done but the last three weeks have been solid work. It was a beautiful day and was a great opportunity to get some fun in before these final weeks full of tests, field trips, presentations, papers, and finals. Giving yourself a gift in the form of a free day is brilliant. I feel ready to do some work now (soon as I finish this - promise!) and don't resent it because I had my personal time in.

It's amazing how stuff can pile up on you but taking a few hours out to just have some fun can make such a difference in attitude and perspective. The sun was shining and the grass and sky were stunning, a gift on their own. I hope the coming weeks can be as lovely with Easter, field trips, and Apple Blossom! May the sunshine carry over to the dismal days!

-Thumbnail

When the Sun is Bright and there are Sandstones a'plenty

04 April 2009

Today was certainly fantastic! Well, except I had to wake up a tad too early.

I had my first 'in the field' experience today. I woke up at around 6am (on a Saturday!!) and eventually had to head to Memorial Hall to meet up for our field trip for Geology 230, Evolution of the Earth. We piled into 13 passenger vans (although it was on average two person to a row in three vans) and headed out West on 33. It was a nice ride out to the mountains but once we got to the outcrops it was mighty cold. The sun wasn't high enough to reach over the mountains yet.

My group headed to Bellier Formation first. There were Sandstones, Shales, and Siltstones there and we had to identify them, find the different sequences and figure out what type of depositional environment we were in. (They were Bouma Sequences and it used to be an ocean basin). Then we headed back up into the mountains were the rest of our class was and we worked on the Hampshire formation with Drew (Fichter and Haynes were in charge of the Bellier beds). This was basically a massive standstone that was showing because of road cuts and it had been painted because of graffiti artists. :( It made it really difficult to find laminations but Drew tried to help us out. It was a point bar sequence and used to be a Meandering River (for those who don't know that's closer to mountains, a beginning part of the environments). The last outcrop was with Natalie and Bonnie and it was an interesting climb. We had to go up about thirty or forty feet on this gravely and pine needley (not a word I know) hill that was really steep to reach these beds. lots of sandstone and shale and many hummocky sequences. It used to be a tidal storm shelf.

In short we had to identify all the rocks and put all the outcrops together. Meandering river -> Shelf -> Ocean Basin. It really helped to see all this stuff and put all the information together in my head. Eventually I'll have to put some hints on here about how to tell different rocks from one another.

When I got back to the school at one I met up with my friends and went to lunch at Dukes. Good food!

After that we went back to Noah and Jake's dorm for a bit and I fell asleep for about twenty minutes. Then Noah had to go practice (for two hours) and Jake was going to play a game with friends so Sarah and I decided we'd do something together for the afternoon. She suggested the Arboretum on the other side of campus and what a splendid day for it! We got to walk around, spend time in the sun, and get to know each other even better than before. I learned a lot about my friend and I'm really glad we got to spend such wonderful time together today!

One of the best things you can do in life is gain friends. It's so great when you find someone that you click with or have a lot of stuff in common with and to go from strangers to aquaintances to friends. Finding someone that you can talk to and who understand where you're coming from is so important. I feel like we took our friendship to the next level today and I'm so lucky to have met her!

I've had mostly guy friends in my life, and they're great don't get me wrong, but sometimes I've felt left out of girl stuff. Sarah and I go beyond that and have relatively similar homelifes, beliefs, and likes, and I'm looking forward to seeing how the years affect our friendship.

The rest of the day was spent with Noah and Sarah both for dinner and we also watched a movie at Grafton. Bedtime Stories was pretty good but Bugsy is the BEST! He's the cutest little hampster ever!

I've enjoyed my day: I tried something new, gained a better understanding of a friend, and saw the cutest little smore-eater ever! I hope more days like this one are ahead (although minus the burns)!

It Needs to Stop

03 April 2009

Ever had an 'obligation friend'? You probably know what I'm talking about: someone you don't like but because of some circumstance beyond your control you're basically stuck with them for life? I have two. I know that this all sounds pretty horrible, but I'm human.

Being stuck around someone that you don't like can cause a lot of stress. Especially now that I'm at college and one of those two 'friends' is here, I'm forced (in a sense) to be near this person all the time. The first problem is that we're both very opinionated people and of course every one with an opinion thinks that they're right so I'll be biased but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I actually AM right in this instance. This guy used to be sort of obnoxious but he's become downright derogatory towards other people as of late. It's as if every time I see him he has to say something sexist towards women or something about another group that is not right. Even beyond that, he's just... not considerate. It has become really frustrating and I just don't know how to handle it any more. What can someone do in this situation?

No apologies ever, a lot of cussing, negative stereotypes, he knows everything, he treats friends like dirt (calls them names and tells them to f* off), and he's somewhat sexist and a homophobe. That's probably what really got me. I mean, I didn't used to think that sexism was still that prevalent but in the past year I've come across five people who are rather obviously sexist. It's so disappointing! It's 2009! That alone would be bad enough but I told him about a friend of mine and I was describing him as funny, kind, trustworthy, talkative, and popular but when I mentioned that he was gay and he brought another perspective to our club that I know him from (College Democrats), this guy just said "ew". All that other information seemed to fly out the window because this great guy is homosexual. I'm not okay with that!

I really don't have a clue as to where to go from here. I'd like to just start yelling at him telling him that he can't treat people the way he does (because I'm not sure if anyone's ever told him that it's WRONG) but then I feel rude. Should I? I mean, I wouldn't actually yell and I'd try to be nice but I'm not sure if I'm capable of that because (as a girl of course) I'm too emotional. Honestly though, it touches so close to home that I really don't think I'd be able to bring it up without saying all sorts of horrible things.

I'm hoping to find some way to bring the situation to light so that he understands what I'm feeling. The problem is that he probably wouldn't care; he'd tell me to get over it and never apologize.

Sorry that this one was so negative but tonight was a bit frustrating and I wanted to let go. Promise tomorrow's will be better (maybe I'll tell you about being out in the field - I'm going to a rock outcrop tomorrow with my geol 230 class)!

Buenas noches!

The One with the Proposal

I was watching FRIENDS today (the sixth season) and saw 'the one with the proposal' when Chandler proposes to Monica. This made me really miss FRIENDS. It was such a great tv show about life love and friendship which most shows today just don't show those heartfelt emotions.

After I watched the episode I felt really happy; life seemed wonderful and it felt as if everything I wanted would come tumbling into my life. I called my boyfriend of four years and asked if I could come see him and do my studying there and he said that he was playing a videogame with friends. Well, my spirit dropped rather drastically.

I understand that tv shows are not life and that life itself is not perfect. I don't have a perfect life, but I feel like mine is certainly a good one. It was just disappointing... How fantastic to find the guy you love and, once the two of you are ready, become engaged?

This is a struggle for me right now. I'm the happiest when I'm with my boyfriend and we've been dating for a relatively long time but we're both still in college and I'm only a sophomore. We met really young and we were lucky/mature. We've been able to compromise, work together, become invested in our relationship, survive a year apart while at different schools, and a parent's death and we are still strong. I know I want to marry him. I know I will marry him. I also know that it won't be soon. Neither of us wants to deal with becoming engaged because most people would probably respond with "aren't you a bit young for that?". We are young; that's fair. I'm sure I'm biased too, but it's really frustrating.

(Four years ago)
What's your status? boyfriend/girlfriend
Are you living together? No
Planning on getting engaged/married any time soon? No

Today: SAME ANSWERS.

It's frustrating to not have any more steps to move to, at least not for the time being. That's probably the worst of it. On paper we look the same as any other couple who's been together for a month and its slowly grating at my nerves. I know we can't really do anything about it; I care too much about family/friends/church to just go ahead and do it. Besides, we will be together forever so what is the rush? At the same time, if we're going to be together forever, why put it off? It'd just be nice to declare our love in a more.... advanced way.

My dad is probably going to get married this summer and he'll only have been dating the woman for a year(ish) and my boyfriends parents got married when his mom was 20. I'm rather sure that neither group of adults would be supportive of us even being engaged or living together so we have at the very least another year and a half for any sort of step.

It's too bad life doesn't just come out of the show FRIENDS. I'm lucky enough to be at the point in my life when I have so many opportunities to learn new things and to meet so many people. The person that is the most important though, was found years before. For a problem, it's a pretty good one to have but it's nice to get it off my chest too. I'm sure when we do get married and once we are 50 it won't seem like such a big deal so I'm trying to slow down and be patient (I have to be anyways) but its' a challenge. I guess it's about time that this virute got the attention it needed. Still, I'm looking forward to the day when I get to say "yes".

BEDA

02 April 2009

My friend put up a suggestion on facebook about blogging every day and I thought it was a brilliant idea. I used to journal when I was younger and it's so much fun to go back over old writings/photos and see the way life has changed and how you've grown as a person over time. I'm hoping to keep up with this for at least the month so hopefully you'll be hearing from me again soon!
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