Confliction Around Every Corner

29 May 2009

It seems that no matter what path I choose I can't win - at least not win BIG.

Since I've been home I've half become better as a person and half feel diminished. I'm conflicted. Today there were several instances that magnified this for me.

I worked out with my boyfriend in the morning as we've done each day this past week to get into shape. At least I was never quite out of shape, but it's certainly not easy to run a mile the way it used to be. What happened to those days of running five miles? Every day. Whew. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know it from my own experiences and memories. I'm glad to be getting back on the right track. I'm proud of both of us and we're doing it for FREE which makes it even better. I would love to have a membership at a gym, but I just don't have that type of money and it should be of my own motivation and will power anyways. Unfortunately, I find that paying for something makes me a bit more motivated to follow through... Still, we just have to do it for twenty more days and we'll have formed a habit which is great!

So after we worked out I got a call from Sam asking if I wanted to eat lunch out with her and her mom. I always enjoy lunches out so I went (but I was sad to see Noah - I have serious attachment issues I guess, I can't stand to do anything without him). We went to Paneras and we were there for an hour and twenty minutes. Most of the time we talked about my dad and it was honestly really refreshing. Kathy understands me on a whole other level when it comes to this topic. She was my mom's best friend and its as hard for her as it is for me if I had to take a guess. She gave me some different information than what I already had though and that was nice plus her perspective is pretty much the same. Its easier for me to talk about this with Kathy than anyone else.

After lunch and that whole conversation I came home and I called Noah on the way. We would meet at my house then go geocaching. :) I got home and I was putting coordinates into my gps when dad came in asking if I could throw a switch for him in the basement while he tried to get the pool pump working. Of course I agreed, its pretty much the only chore he's asked me to do all summer and it barely even counts as work. Anyways, he took me downstairs to show me the switch but it was cool downstairs and he wanted to take a break from being outside at the pool so he said we could sit down and talk.... then he talked about Judy for five minutes and mom for another twenty five. I think its fine for him to miss mom.... but not date another woman at the same time. I don't think he's worked through all of his feelings on this issue yet which is understandable but has he talked to Judy about any of this? I found it really strange that I had just had a conversation about this type of stuff happening and then I actually had it happen within an hour afterwards.

It was probably good for him to talk it out some and I'm glad that he could talk to me about some things; he may finally realize that I'm more of an adult than a kid now. Still, it was odd.

Then Noah got there and we went geocaching but dad decided not to go. I was second to find on one of the caches! I was so close to FTF, just a night too late. :( Still, that was pretty fun. Later when dad and I went to the grocery store we found Hi-Tech. FINALLY. It was my third time looking for the cache and I have absolutely no idea how I missed it before. Its one of those ones you're just kicking yourself for. Also, I have a cache hiding spot that I need to use PRONTO. I can't wait to hide one there before someone puts another too close to the location. Plus, on 522 there aren't any caches as far as I can tell so I'm ready to find one there. Preferably not a LPC but it may have to be... Maybe a guardrail?

At Martins I saw Andrew (and earlier in the day I saw Donnie). Andrew and I talked for a little bit. Also in the store I saw Ben Geho. It made me sad to see him. He was pushing the cart and his mom was in front of him and they were just turning into a checkout line.... It was a mirror image of myself and my father. Different genders. He had lost his father a matter of months before I lost mom, also from cancer. He was in the store helping his mom get groceries and I was in the store helping my dad. I feel like we probably have a lot more in common than I would have predicted four years ago. It made my heart ache.

Still, today has been a rather good day over all and I'm glad I don't have to wake up early tomorrow to go work out (we're going to do the weekdays but not the weekends). Plus I may be doing the C&O Canal trip soon and I want to get some geocaches on the way. Oh, I told my dad that I was thinking about biking with my friends there and finding some geocaches on the way and he did a double take. Apparently he and a fellow ham are planning on doing the SAME THING in early June. Huh. I'm thinking about doing both so that my friends don't have to look for the geocaches since its not really their thing and I could go on with the geocachers to find some caches. I enjoy it and I would fill my outside quota for two days. :) I'm looking forward to biking more, I really haven't gotten enough in since school let out.

Hopefully the spring fling goes well tomorrow at church. I also hope to find more caches. I'm looking forward to finally seeing Heather next week too. I might be meeting up with some friends tomorrow night because Andrew leaves for Tennessee on Sunday. I also have class again Tuesday and Thursday. It seems to be a more interesting week coming up already. I still need to call the directory about the Talent show though which I'm not looking forward to but I only have about a week now and I NEED people to sign up. I'm getting nervous about it. Then the 19th - the actual event. Can't wait! Plus I still need to email the usher people about bible school. I also may need to work as a teacher at BB so that I can get all my hours in order for the Education Program. Yikes!! There's a lot still to do, but I'm actually COMPLETING some projects finally. Looking forward to the week ahead!

The Notebook

27 May 2009

I'm watching the Notebook this evening even as I write this. I'm amazed at the impact the story has on me now. When I was younger, in high school, I loved this story but for some reason it really tugs on my heart now. I don't know if it's because I'm older and my emotional depths have delved even further, if my love for Noah has matured to a point that helps me relate to Allie and Noah in the story, or if maybe its the loss of my mom and thinking about losing the person you love. The story just touches closer to home and I feel a strength when watching this story unfold though.

I wonder how many people truly experience such a love. Many? Few? Many people say they love someone, but how many people fall in love so that ten years later that love is as fresh and as pure as the first year? That is incredible to me and I hope to be one of those lucky couples. I have no doubt that we'll be married and eventually have children and our lives will twine together, but so many marriages end in divorce. Marriage and children do not equal the 'cure all'. It takes work, devotion, and a love that we do not control all on our own. I do not believe that we can just 'settle' for someone who has similar interests but that we must find someone who truly completes us. Our other half.

I'm glad to feel the love that I do and have such a consistent, loving boyfriend. I'm even more glad that I know I can look forward to years ahead with this same devotion. I'm such a blessed woman.

Birthday Luncheon, Decor, and Group Meetings

25 May 2009

Today my sister and I met with our aunt and uncle for lunch at a local Thai restaurant. What a delicious and fine meal. I had chicken satay and thai green salad - both of which were amazing. Although I must say my favorite part is definitely talking with my aunt and uncle. I wish I could be with them so much more often. They're definitely the coolest adults I know and I'm glad I'm able to drive on my own to their house now. Also, Aunt Melissa got us birthday gifts. You know when you're little and all you want is toys but all your relatives seem to give you clothes? She's the aunt that actually gives you clothing (and nice outfits at that) when you DO want them. She also got me a cute purple heart purse and a great wallet. Well, it's not really a wallet. It's great though!

After lunch, Kelsey and I headed around town and stopped at Wal-Mart and Kohls. I didn't get anything at Wal-Mart but I bought two 'earthy' decorations at Kohls. They were on said so the total was under $20. I was happy with that. One decoration is a candle holder with a faux wooden bottom and the other is a box/holder that is shaped like a piece of wood and the two match. Very cute. Goes along well with the petrified wood, wooden manatee, and even the potpouri and bowls. My room's style is finally coming together. :) That's always nice and a good bit will probably be coming to my apartment too. Can't wait for that!

Also tonight, I saw a group of my friends. I haven't seen some friends in a while and I still have a fair number to go. For some reason it seems that the people I most want to see I end up seeing the least of (with the exception of Noah). I've been contacting people but for some reason our schedules butt heads. :( Still, tonight was fun and I'm looking forward to our bike ride (hopefully this week!).

BBC: Birthdays, Boyfriends, and Caches

23 May 2009




Birthday

My birthday was on the 22nd and I had such a great day. I wake up to my boyfriend making/delivering me breakfast in bed. He made perfect chocolate chip pancakes and brought me a nice cool glass of milk. It was all delicious and I (hopefully) can look forward to this every birthday because it was the best!

Throughout the day we watched Marley & Me, ate at Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, ate cake, I opened presents, went to Red Lobster for Kelsey's dinner pick, and then ended the day at the church lock-in where EVERYONE told me happy birthday. Sam and Brandon both had cakes for me (Brandon made his himself even). Plus, the Vances gave me balloons, a yoga dvd, and tea!!! Noah had gotten me this cute dinnerware set that I had been eyeing in Target, a WONDERFUL picture frame, and three HUGE boxes of Milk Duds (my favorite movie candy!!). Granny and Grandpa had given me money on Wednesday when we ate dinner with them.

(On a side note, I really enjoyed my time at Granny and Grandpa's. I've found their company much more enjoyable as I've gotten older. Plus they also disapprove of the way Dad's handled everything. I think we agree on more than I previously would have assumed.)

Oh, forgot to mention that the vances also had gotten fun birthday hats for Kelsey and me. :D I love big, cheesy birthday surprises like parties, hats, balloons, pinatas, etc. SO MUCH FUN!!! Plus, I had FIVE cakes this year which I feel makes up for my parents unfortunate lack of cake-love in the past. I think I went three years without ANY cakes and this finally makes up for it.

Hmm.... lets see, today some birthday festivites were carried over because it was my night to pick where we would eat (Kelsey and I each get our own night which I like and think is fair). We all went to Olive Garden today and it was good but I was too full!! Then we went to the mall (I needed soap). That didn't take too long though because Uncle Dana would be at my house and we had to get back to see him!!! I miss him a lot. We REALLY don't see enough of him any more and he's such a great man. Anyways, onto birthday gifts. ;) Dana gave too much money as normal but I really appreciate it this year because it will probably be going towards a Digital Camera - a really good one that I can keep for years to come since mine has this AWFUL habit of dying. Kay and Judy gave me a dark wicker laundry basket which had been on my list. Honestly its better than the one I had been looking at because this one is upright and it's so nice with my room. I've had a plastic green one forever and this fits in so much better with my dark wood-decorated room. Feng Shui. ;) Dad gave me a Yoga Mat bag and will be taking me out sometime soon to look at cameras (and will chip in a good amount of money for one). I really look forward to that. On the camera, the Lizers sent me a card with a really nice message inside and ... well, in short they compared me to my mom and have been encouraging my photography interest (with some financial support as well). I am really looking forward to getting a nice camera to capture these wonderful memories in years to come.

Boyfriend

Noah has been such a constant support to me and these past two days have been particularly wonderful. Even three days before when I didn't see him at all, he let me know far enough in advance to make plans with one of my girlfriends. He made me breakfast in bed, paid for our lunch on my birthday (and a lot of other things that I desperately need to pay him back for), watched a movie he didn't really want to see, played piano with me, has said some really sweet things, gave me a massage, and gives me the best hugs. I've been so lucky to have him and I will never let go. Thank you for being so unconditionally loving.

Caches

This probably won't be too long, but I had a really great time out with my dad today looking for a geocache. This one has stumped us three times before. We had called hikinghams previously and saw the atrocity that awaited us and we lacked the proper.... equipment. Let me say that it was the BEST light pole cache (LPC) I have EVER heard of. This LPC has been my favorite of all my finds so far and is such a great example of the reason I love geocaching. Plus... I don't get along with my dad. Well, better put, I don't like my dad and we don't communicate. Geocaching is the one area that we both agree upon and are more linked to each other than to any other person. Noah will do it with me but he and the rest of my friends either don't enjoy it or don't have the zeal for it that I do. I loved scavenger/treasure hunts when I was a kid and this is like the ultimate, never ending treasure hunt. Today was certainly an adventure. I won't ever forget this cache and I'm glad I did it with my dad. It gave us an hour together (the only hours we really have) without any one else around and we can forget the problems in our life and actually talk. Sometimes we even talk about stuff beyond the cache. ;) This cache was UNDERGROUND which makes it AWESOME. GPS devices need to get signals from satellites which makes it interesting. Plus it's pitch black when you're feet under the soil and my flashlight died which made it even more of an adventure. I definitely plan on bringing my friends back through there because it was really cool and a great time.





To end this one, I want to mention that I got to see one of my girlfriends, Ally, on Thursday and had a great time. We met at a local ice cream stand and talked for an hour before heading out and hitting up some yard sales. We had a few nice finds too and we ended up going to the Symphonic band concert at our old high school A few of my friends are seniors (the only people I still know in the band really) and I got to see some great old friends there. Ryan, a trombonist, is probably the happiest-go-lucky friend I have. If I need to smile and have a good time, he's the guy to call. I've missed him while at college and I'm so glad to have seen him again. In short, it was great to spend time with old friends: a girl who understands me and a guy who knows just how to pull my heart to get a big grin out of me. I know I have friends who stand by me no matter how little we get to see each other and sometimes I wonder if that doesn't make them better friends than some people I see all the time.

I look forward to making every day an adventure.






Be Who You Are & "Faith"

21 May 2009

There are a few people right now in my life who I've become frustrated with and I honestly don't know how I could do anything differently. Mostly what has been irritating me isn't directed at me but is instead a bunch of general statements.

It really bothers me when people act like someone they're not. Simple as that.

Yes, we all act a little bit different depending on who we're around and what's been happening in our lives, but I view that as different aspects of yourself coming out into the light. We all have 'off' days and days when nothing can bring us down. Some friends can have serious talks with us while others bring out an extroverted side that hides when most others are around. That's not what I'm talking about in this post though.

I've never been 'one of those girls' who dresses based on the latest fashion or dresses punk just to grab attention. I don't change my opinions on different issues because my friends see it a different way than me. Granted, you can change my mind but its not the same things as peer pressure. I don't dress to impress guys or make girls jealous. I don't vote Democrat because that was the most likely bet for this past election. I am not Christian simply because the majority of Americans are. I don't change myself for who I'm dating (beyond compromising which EVERYONE needs to learn to do). I don't try to impress him though. I'm real about who I am. It's beyond my true comprehension why others can't be who they truly are.

Since I've been home its been especially aggravating to deal with people who aren't being themselves. On purpose. Again, not the 'I've been having a bad day' syndrome.

A person in my family has been ridiculously nice to everyone which I'll admit is a nice change but that's not the way it was before. He is trying to impress his girlfriend and is doing all of the house chores and outdoor ones too which is a nice break, but not remotely realistic in the long run. My sister and I have always done dishes, laundry, cleaning, lawn mowing, gardening, and since last summer the pool and cooking and cars as well. Now we do nothing. I have always done SOMETHING since I was around 3. Its frustrating to have life patterns change and especially because he is trying to show off for his girlfriend. His last love interest said he was different while they were dating too. I think it's wrong to be fake with the person you're dating.

If you are dating the person with the intention of marriage (the only way to date in my personal opinion that is healthy), then you should be honest about yourself and your habits. It is a lot of work to change even a few habits to live with someone else. You're bringing two different lifestyles together and of course compromise should be made. I just don't think that changing everything once you get married is the best way to go about it.

Another person in my life has switched politcal parties... sort of. I have the strong feeling that this individual is only doing it because it's "cool" to be democrat. Which is utterly ridiculous. I strongly believe in the democrat values and I don't like someone who is so Republican to say they're democrat - that gives a bad name to the party. We support choice, we support giving to the poor from the extremely rich, and we don't base everything off the bible. Granted, this individual probably doesn't know anything about the bible although they're "Christian" too. That's not really fair because most Americans are "Christian" and know nothing about the Bible. What a disgrace. I mean, I'm fine with people believing something but even if I disagree, you should be able to tell me more about your religion than I can. If I know more than a christian without being christian... well, I'm disappointed.

Still, it's YOUR afterlife so have fun with the VERY little knowledge you have.

That's another question I have. If you know NOTHING about something can you still truly say that you believe it? I guess you can, but whats the point? I mean, I could just say that I'm a Buddhist but if I know nothing about Buddhism, what does that really mean? If I don't follow the rules because I don't know them, does it really matter what I call myself? At this very moment I could call myself Hindu, and tomorrow a Muslim, then a week from new a born-again Christian. None of it would mean anything because I don't actually know anything or believe any of it. That's a major problem in America today, people don't take the time to educate themselves. If you can't take care enough to learn about YOUR OWN RELIGION which determines your afterlife (and don't want to just declare agnostic) then what do you actually care about? I mean, if you think its worthwhile claiming a certain religion then take the time to learn about it!! If you think it will determine what happens to your soul after you die then wouldn't you want to know what you're talking about? Personally, I don't think we can know, but it's nice to think about different possibilities. That's why religions interest me so much. I don't expect people to have this interest level, but they should know the basics at the very least. Know the order of the books in the bi--- NO. Just know the books in the bible because that's probably enough work for most people.

Another thing on religion that really bothers me is when people follow a certain religion just because they were brought up with it. I was raised Christian but I found too many parts of the Bible that I disagree with. I don't like how we follow some things that are written and not other things. How do we get to pick and choose? Now, I really think that there are some beautiful parts to each religion (I mentioned this in my last post though so I won't go there now) but I think before following one it might be a good idea to know the specifics on the rules and regulations.

I don't understand how someone can follow something - ANYTHING - so blindly. Just because your parents tell you something doesn't make it right. I think parents and teachers and preachers are a great place to start and make good guides but thats about the extent. We're all human and so are not perfect but that doesn't mean that we can't question and come to some of our own conclusions. I expect a five year old to follow what their elders tell them because thats when you are still learning, but once you have the information about something... then decide for YOURSELF. If I told you that you could fly to the moon without any mechanical assistance, would you believe me? NO. You dont believe everything you're told and thats a good thing. Maybe its time for us to question more...

Of course I'm not perfect at this but I don't go forth under the false pretense that what I believe is correct simply because I believe it. I don't think that my parents are/were always right. I DO think that we have the ability as intelligent creatures to make some decisions for ourselves and I think we were gifted with that. Go forth and make some decisions for yourself too.

So in summary, be who YOU are and decide what YOU believe in an educated way.

Yogis and Hindus

19 May 2009

Yoga and Naan

It’s fun to try a new lifestyle sometimes. I got interested in Yoga about a year ago during the summer. I bought a mat and a brick and DVDs. Three of the DVDs are intended for ‘workouts’ and one for stress relief. I practiced Yoga every day for about a month then fell to slightly more often than weekly. When I went to school I never took the time really. I had my mat with me and there were classes offered at our school gym but I felt embarrassed to go. What if everyone else was better? Looking back, that was a silly attitude! It’s a college yoga atmosphere, most students are probably just like me – interested.

Tonight I had just about finished cleaning my room and the whole floor was clear. My boyfriend had put up the blinds earlier in the day for more natural light and I have a clear space between the foot of my bed and the window. I grabbed my mat and rolled it out in front of my desk and played the stress relief DVD and got ready for some relaxation. What a wonder Yoga can be for me. I don’t know why I stop… maybe time? The relaxation set is only twenty five minutes long though and for summer that can be a nice amount of time to hit the mat.

Three days ago I used the upper body workout and it wasn’t a hardcore aerobic exercise, but it was a slow stretch and building of the muscle. It’s calming and working at the same time. I actually had to ease up on some of the moves at the end. The move Bridge was held for 20 seconds at a time and I just can’t hold it. At least two of my best friends and my boyfriend can’t even get into that position so I’m glad I can even begin the Bridge. My muscles feel much more relaxed after doing some Yoga and it’s a nice way to wind down the evening… Haha, it’s like a déjà vu back to the Cream Soda bottle. I have found several ways to end a day in a nice way.

Earlier in the evening my boyfriend and I watched an hour of tv and we heated some naan bread in the oven. Naan is an Indian ethnic bread and we had some garlic with it which was delicious! Noah’s favorite food is Indian and we both enjoyed the Naan bread. I think I’ll set aside a day for an organic, peace-filled life. I don’t know if I could do it for every day of the week, but maybe start one day at seven and get some am yoga in and eat vegetarian for the day. Cleanse the body and mind and spirit.

I bought two books today with an old giftcard that I had yet to use and they are the Ramayana and The Hindu Deities. When I took world religions, Hinduism was my favorite to study. I found the different paths suited my beliefs of life and God and the spiritual world. I grew up in Christianity and I know more than the average person about the faith. I am still hoping to pick up a minor in religion – I find beliefs and hopes and the beauties of religion attract me like very few other things. My problem is that I can’t agree with any one religion. Honestly Christianity has just pushed me away. The more I read the Bible, the more I disagree with the religion. There are some beautiful aspects and beliefs (such as the Shema, Deuteronomy 6:5 and Jesus’ Greatest Two Commandments). There are several points in Christianity which are beautiful but are ignored while other points are brought to the surface far more often which seem wrong to me (women can’t be ministers, homosexuality is wrong, and lying is always wrong)… The worst sin of all in most eyes, I can no longer say that I truly believe that Jesus is the light, the truth, and the way. I think there must be more ways than one. That is where Hinduism really appeals to me. No, I’m not Hindu, but I wanted to bring a few aspects of the religion into my blog for today to shed some light on a few points that I have held dear to heart after my Religion course.

I truly appreciate Hinduism’s respect for different pathways. Not only within the religion but without as well there are different routes to God. Hinduism has four major paths to follow which suit the majority of people. I sadly cannot recall all their names to mind, but I will mention mine while I am on the topic. I would follow Bhakti Yoga. Bhakti Yoga is the love and devotional path. There is another path for meditation and another for ‘doing’. Whatever your main attributes are, there can be a separate path for you. Concerning other religions, Hinduism follows a metaphor about God at the peak of a mountain. We are all at different points around the base of a mountain trying to reach God at the top. Although we all come up from different sides and angles, we all are heading towards the same ultimate goal. They do not believe that all others outside of Hinduism are wrong but that instead they are just taking a different path to reach the same God. My professor said that Hinduism is not polytheistic but rather monistic. That’ll have to be a separate thought though because I want to do some reading before I sleep.

Just as a side note, I may be going to Skyline soon which is a local national park and it will be nice to hike through nature again. Personally I love water so maybe I can find a local hike with some waterfalls. I need to find a new camera to capture some of my summer adventures too so wish me luck for my birthday. 

The Woman I Thought I'd Be

17 May 2009

After my post yesterday I found myself thinking more and more about what I thought I would be and who I actually am. They're not that different actually, but there are a few minor things I need to work on.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I'd be the woman in the coffee shop drinking some quaintly named beverage with her nose stuck in a book.

Who I am:

I'm the woman who loves to be in coffee shops (but drinks only teas) with her nose stuck in a book.

Who I thought I'd be?

I thought I'd be the woman who woke up early in the morning to see the sun rise and walk around to have a fresh view on life each morning.

Who I am:

I am the woman who can't get up before 8am (with only a few exceptions). Instead of finding inspiration each morning I find comfort in the stars at night.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I'd be a human being who took the time to care. Others often need some help and so few seem to take matters into their own hands. I thought I would be a hand reaching out.

Who I am:

I am the person who holds out her hand to help when it is needed. I'm not perfect at this yet, but I've made great progress and I lead causes that are important to me and I won't back down. I could always do better and I'm glad my feet are on the right path.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I would be the woman to have a perfect family. We would spend Sunday afternoons together and would attend church. I would be able to talk to my parents about anything and my sister and I would be best friend.

who I am:

I am the woman who has loved and lost. My childhood dream is not possible in the sense that I meant, however my sister and I have been closer since college began. I am blessed with that luck.

Who I thought I'd be:

I thought I would be the maiden to have her prince coming riding in from the horizon to show her his undying love.

Who I am:

I am the woman who was given a precious gift so early in life. Love was handed to me as a gift from God and I accepted; I am not a maiden in distress but rather a confident young woman who found her equal in life and in love.



.... I am....

There are still some things about myself I have yet to define and that is the hardest part of all. I like to keep things organized and written out as lists. It's not always that easy for people. What defines me? Can I even have a definition? People look at my boyfriend and say trombone. Some people would say their children. Others might think their jobs or their religion define them... What would I say about myself? What would my friends say? I have no idea. I think a person is always so used to themselves that they can't exactly say "What makes you YOU?". does that make sense?

There are still some goals I'd like to accomplish (as listed on my 43things site). Some of them would give me something to say about myself while others would help me become a better person.

I want to find a few more hobbies or experiences that would make me feel good about myself (swing dance, yoga, learning a language, picking up the basics on another instrument, etc.).

I long to find my own spirituality... After being so on fire a belief, then really reading, and finally rejecting the idea, well I need to come up with my own beliefs. It's hard to stay spiritual for me though without organized religion. I like group things and growing together in a common belief but I don't believe any exact religion. I want to find myself and my spiritual side again.

That's a fairly good summary for now although it can't possibly explain my feelings on the matter. Some things are so deeply ingrained I can't even separate my thoughts from the general concept. It's difficult to explain the person I want to be - it's too complex and too deep. I'm on the right path though and it'll be a wonderful learning experience along the way.

Long Days and Lazy Nights

16 May 2009

Today has been productive and very busy. Beyond the very end, sitting down to type this will easily be the most I've been able to sit down since 7:50 this morning (when I woke up).

It's a Saturday yes so normally I'd be sleeping in until 9:30 just like every other day, but today my church had Angel Food so I woke up early to get in and help out. Honestly though, I wasn't of much use this month. We do this event monthly and if I could come home from college I would always use my Saturday to help out. I helped fill boxes but after that I had to leave for the Lizers lake house to help Mr. Lizer prepare for his party.

.... I'll sum it up by saying I worked for a LONG time - 9 hours actually. I only sat down for five minute periods and those were typically once an hour. Although not quite that often and not always for five minutes. Still I was there to work and he had offered pay and I would have felt AWFUL if I didn't work. In the end he was still too generous... but I digress.

I'm exhausted and I can't wait to get up and head to church before nine for the second day in a row. At least tomorrow I have La Caretta to look forward to, mommy and bill promised me. ;) I love the Vances. Bill treats me like a friend and Kathy treats me like a daughter. It's nice to have some mothering once in a while and she's a 'cool' mom. Still, having the friend side makes me feel more like an adult and as if I'm coming into my own. To make a refrence to a book series called Wheel of Time, I feel as if the women's circle just let me braid my hair. My culture doesn't really have a defining point of when you are no longer a girl, but a woman and I think sometime I passed it. Something about doing ALL the cooking and cleaning last summer, making my own decisions about school and when and where I will do something, having a committed relationship with my long-term boyfriend, making and backing up my opinions and beliefs, and leading so many different events allows me to feel grown up. I'll even be living in an apartment next year. Granted I don't have a career yet, but I'm very near that point in life now and I've made a decision (finally) about what I'll be doing with my life. I already have my lifelong partner too so I'm almost set. It's hard to figure out when you hit the transition, but some things seem to just click now.

I hadn't planned on discussing any of that, but I guess whatever pops into my head works for here. Nothing fancy, just my own thoughts written out. :) I like it.

Now, onto a topic thats a bit more dreary. May is making me sad. Three people have died in the past week and all from cancer. I went to a funeral for one of them yesterday and a second one was today (although I was unable to attend). That's two funerals in two days.... One being today, well that's just icing on the cake. A year ago today, May 16, my mom passed away from brain cancer. or a tumor. or whatever sickeningly deadly disease you want to call it. It makes me glad that I was kept so exhausted throughout the day and so busy because I'm afraid that thinking about this too much would cause me to slip back into a negative spiral. Not depression by any means, just that negativity that I've mentioned multiple times before. I've been much more positive the last couple of days and I'm sure part of it is keeping busy and part of it is being with Noah for much more time than I'm used to. At least without having to do homework together because its all we have time for (aka the LAST month of school).

I still miss my mom a lot, but I don't think of her clearly very often because I don't want to open myself up to it. Actually, I should probably stop here because it's all a bit too real even as I type this.

I'm looking forward to many things this summer: returning to old friends (Heather, Logan, Chris, etc.), having a job, taking physics, spending time with Noah, relay, reading, and becoming my own unique person. That last one is hard to describe but I always had that image in my head of who I would be and I think I'm ready to become that woman. In fact, I'm farther along that path than I probably would have ever predicted I would be. I'm proud of who I am and the decisions I've made and I hope to say that for many years (decades) to come.

Tonight has been my rest and peace. I've reunited with my Old Christmas friend, Cream Soda, and I'm ready to jump headfirst into the adventure that is in my book. Vanilla reeds are on the bedside table (part of that image) and my birthday is in a matter of days while Noah is surely frantically looking for something to get me. I'm sure he'll do well. As for me, I guess I'll say goodnight, adieu, buena noche.

Nice to Feel Needed

14 May 2009

Today was a helpful and productive day. :) I woke up (rather late - around 9:45) and took a shower then headed out to go to McDonalds. I wanted to go help Noah with chores and we both like McDonalds breakfast but they start serving lunch at 10:30. Although... I made it there by 10:25 and they had already stopped serving the breakfast foods!!! No fair. I still picked up some fries for him and a sweet tea for me because I would have felt foolish going through the drive though to buy nothing but maybe I should have to prove a point. That's not who I am though.

I got to Noahs house and he ate eggs and fries and then we watched some tv. oops. We DID go outside to do plant some garden plants but there were these two huge honeybees that kept hovering and coming near us. It was freaking us out and they kept diving at us so we gave that chore up for later. I realized I had stuff I needed at my house so we were going to head out but then Noah got a call from his friend. A guy had locked himself out of his car and Noah lives near him so he asked Noah to bring over a clothes hanger. Apparently they work on his car. We drove there and I learned how to do that (ineffectively because it wasn't working) then we decided to try the passenger window after spending about five on the drivers side. His keys were on the passenger seat but we couldn't get that window out enough to clothes hanger it. (can that be used as a verb??) Anyways, we were walking back around to the drivers side from behind and I looked in his car at his guitar and as my eyes slid past that towards the front door's lock I noticed the back seats door. It's lock was up. I grabbed the handle and pulled the door open. The back door had been unlocked the WHOLE time. HAHAH! At least we realized it eventually...

Then Noah and I left and we went to my house, Target, and ate lunch then we headed towards the Lake House. Noah's dad wanted him to do chores there (and maybe get paid for them). We called Nic and had him bring whatever we couldn't scrounge up from my house and met in roughly ten minutes. We sweeped the upper deck, collected the massive amounts of leaves from the lower patio, washed all the boats, swept the patio, and cleaned and sprayed all the upstairs, outdoor furniture. It took two hours but it wasn't strenuous work.

We then all headed to a local italian restaurant to meet with Mr Lizer. I had a spaghetti that was spicy and was pretty good but FAR too much food. Then Noah and I went to the $2.50 theatre to watch Mall Cop. It's definitely more his type of movie but it wasn't bad. $2.50 is the way to go!

We headed towards our homes but I realized that I had left some stuff in his car so we met at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut on my exit where he has to get off too and I got my stuff. Then I got gas and headed home but was interrupted by a phone call on the way. A high school girl from my church was stranded after track practice because her parents weren't picking up their cell phones. I figured out where they were (a viewing of a past church member) and told her I'd come get her. On the way to her house I asked her if she had a house key. She sighed and said "no" having not realized before that she wouldn't be able to get into her house. We turned around and headed towards my church instead but once we were two minutes from THAT location her parents called from her HOUSE. We had just turned around from that route! Oh no! We yet again turned around and this time I dropped her off securely at her home. :) It took about half an hour but honestly.... I'm a bit puffed up that after she couldn't get her parents she called me. It's always nice to be needed and I'm glad that she turned to me when she needed help (and I'm happy I was already out and could go get her).

Today was pretty good overall which is great because tomorrow may be a downer... I'll be attending a funeral in the morning for a woman who used to play piano in our praise band and I'm sure I'll have one early next week as well for my grandparents' neighbor. May is certainly not the month for blossoming life even though it is spring.... I miss my mom but at least I'm being kept busy. Hope everyone enjoys their friday tomorrow!

Adorable Adoptables

12 May 2009

Also wanted to mention that I got to play, hold, and pet puppies today while at my friends college! They were absolutely precious. I've never been lucky enough to own a puppy but I wish I could have one.... They were so soft and happy and playful!!! I particularly liked a pug but we also had a pitbull. So soft and cuddly. I guess thats it but I wanted to mention how adorable they were before I went to bed for the night.

Never knew how much that river water meant to me...

I appreciate the land around my home so much more now. Every time I drive our 'back roads' towards home, particularly near sunset, I just look at it in awe. I'd still like to have a few more neighbors, but it's a nice break from always being in the city. Everywhere I go now I seem to be in city limits and it's nice to get out and listen to some country with the windows rolled down.

Today I went to visit my friend in a private college in PA. This particular young woman and I have grown up together and as we have gotten older its been more and more difficult for me to get along with her. Still, lifetime bonds don't break easily and I am honestly very thankful that I went to visit today. It's the happiest I've seen her in at least a year. We both talked AND listened (which is a change from the norm) as well as my twin who came with me. We had a nice mix of indoor and outdoor time and we got to talk a lot. I think college is good for her. Maybe she's in her element at her school and I just haven't seen her for a while when she's actually so jovial. Still, I won't be jumping on the chance to see her again after one good day, but it is certainly nice to go back to days reminiscent of childhood when things were simple and just about everyone was friends with everyone else.

Her campus is very small in comparison to my own but their grounds are pretty and there's a river running through it. Gorgeous! It was small-townish. Very quaint and everyone on the campus knew everyone else. There's roughly 300 people that attend the college which is smaller than my high school graduating class. It's a neat idea and reminds me of camp, but at the same time you're very limited on your options... Still, a lovely day.

The weather was just a tad too cool and in her convertible it made me shiver in the backseat. Luckily she had a blanket in her trunk so when we came to a stop, kelsey pulled a move worthy of a chinese fire drill and got the blanket for me. :) Fun times.

I really miss childhood sometimes. I was certainly more innocently happy. I ALWAYS looked for the best in people and my beliefs were grounded (but unquestioned). Everything was very simple. I could still be annoyed about things or at friends but it never made me... angry... Today really reminded me of that. The small, simple life spent lounging on rocks in a river and talking of religion is the life meant for me. I appreciate the perks of a city or bigger town nearby but I think living out my own country road one day would be a good idea.

Maybe some mountains surrounding me with a creek or river running high. Catching fireflies in the summer time and laying on the grass looking at stars while tasting honeysuckle. My childhood wasn't only these moments, but looking back they are what I remember. I hope as I go forward in the future (especially during these last summer times surrounded by friends) I can ground myself in a few more of my childesque moments. Maybe I will find my own river rock right here with my love and friends. Hopefully I'll be way down yonder.... where I'll learn a lot about living and a little 'bout love*. It's a nice thought at the least. Life surely could be simpler and happier than we tend to make it. Today is just one more reason out of many for me to smile.

*reference to Alan Jackson's 'Chattahoochee'

Think Positive

11 May 2009

Again I'm trying to balance out some of the negatives....

1) I have an AMAZING boyfriend. I am so in love with him and I really comprehend how lucky I am to have found/stumbled upon him. Even when he's nervous, he completely trusts me and looks to me for guidance. I do the same to him. (Love his haircut by the way).

2) I am blessed with FRIENDSHIP. After my health class when so few actually had one person they can tell ANYTHING to, I appreciate my relationship with Jake more than ever. Since you could very possibly read this, thank you Jake.

3) The gift has been given to each of us: the ability to make new friends. I miss Sarah so much! She is one of my best friends now too, and though I still have a lot to learn about her, I'm sure our relationship will mature very finely throughout our remaining years at JMU.

4) I had a FANTASTIC lunch. After all the trouble of getting to Olive Garden (not even going to go into it), Noah and I ended up with a wonderful waiter and great food. Definitely recommending Chris as a waiter at our Olive Garden. He was brilliant.

5) There is finally new life. I feel like May is the month of death (at least this year and last year) and it makes me really sad that my birthday is in this month now... While working on my scrapbook today though, I was printing off pictures of my final best friend: Heather Bartholomew. I can't promote having a baby at our age, but she is such an inspiration to me and I applaude her for being the young woman that she is and not backing away from life. Her son Eli reminds me that there is a new hope coming and that death will not be the only life force I will come into contact with.

6) I have a book to read. This may not sound like much, but I no longer have to feel guilty about reading. I don't have seven projects, five exams, and two labs. ;) Now I can read guilt-free.

7) More people have been joining the Relay Team. Praise God! I'm so happy that people are getting involved. :)

8) People care. Everyone feels lonely sometime, but there are always people who will love and support you (even though you may not realize it at the time). I have an extensive support system through people that have been lifelong friends, close friends recently, and even people that I figured wouldn't remember me after high school. I've been blessed yet again.

9) I found a new program I like. It's called Picnik and just about everyone used it before I even realized it existed, but still... I love it! I enjoy photography and have lots of fun editing photos for free.

10) Last reason to smile for the day - I have many more days, experiences, and friends to look forward to. I know that's incredibly cheesy, but it's completely true. No matter how down you can feel during any given moment, there is another moment looming ahead that will lift your soul and complete you. I know that if I focus and have the right attitude I can change my circumstances, even if not the exact way I want them to be changed. I know life will provide me with opportunities and friendships.



I wanted to get in some positive points for the day. I don't want this blog to ever become unbearingly negative. I would have lost who I am. No, I will try to keep focusing on the reasons to smile.

Gee It's Great to be Back Home

.... Home is where I want to be? No. Whoever came up with that song must have had a nice homelife. Granted, mine's not awful but I miss school sorely and I hate being awkward in my own house! A woman called today and this was our conversation:

Me: *pick up phone* hello?
Her: Who is this? (Which first of all, whoever is calling should introduce themselves first)
Me: Allison
Her: Is this Judy's place?
Me: Yes
Her: I don't know who Allison is...
Me: I'm Lon's daughter
Her: Who?
Me: Lon's daughter
Her: Oh, well, is Kay there?
Me: Yes, please hold on.... *go give phone to Kay*

How lame is that? This is not the first time and I haven't been home for three days! Plus, while we were still at school, Kelsey called home and Kay picked up and didn't know who Kelsey was! I don't like people not kowning who I am while they're calling my house. They know my dad but its as if Kelsey and I are non-existant! It's so frustrating...

Plus, things that Dad has yelled and Kelsey and me for our whole lives he now lets go with Judy and Kay. That is really making me angry because he treated my sister and I like crap sometimes and he treats them as if they're Gods. >:( They leave lights/fans on in EVERY room of the house, they leave their dishes sitting in the sink instead of putting them into the dishwasher, and they move things around (especially in the kitchen) and he's fine with all of it! He's so busy trying to impress them that he's being completely fake and not himself which in the long run will only hurt things. Now, if he decides that these things really don't matter, it WILL be a lot easier to get along with him, but beyond that, I still got yelled at for all of those things.

Plus, we "communicated" about four weeks ago after my spring break and he made a point to tell me that I had to ask in advance before my friends come over and make sure to tell him (and implied I need to tell Judy and Kay) when I'm leaving or if Noah is coming over. I can agree with that, but it got on my nerves that he said anything because I already do all of that! If he had said it like a reminder then it wouldn't be so bad but with Dad its as if everything is your fault and you're doing something bad all the time. Then, twice this weekend, Dad has done the opposite of what he told me to do. He and Judy just went out sometime and only mentioned one place that they were going and just want caravaning around my home town. Plus, I invited him and Judy and Kay out to a dinner at a local middle school as a fundraiser for their band and Kay said she didn't really like that type of food that they were serving (although she had served it a week ago!) so she didn't want to go out. Then when Kelsey and I got back all three of the 'adults' were gone and didn't come back until almost eight. So they decided to pay lots of money to go out which dad didn't used to do so that they could eat. Oh... worse? Noah and I had told my dad that we wanted to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant for Sunday lunch with our family friends, and that we had wanted to for a week or so now. So while we were at the spaghetti dinner helping a CAUSE, guess where they went? Mexican. So then Dad came back and said that we wouldn't be going to my restaurant the next day because they had already eaten Mexican! Why didn't they wait for 12 hours?! He's absolutely ridiculous now. He does whatever he can to please her and doesn't give a crap about what Kelsey and I want.

Not that he did before but now that he does care about someone else its even more hurtful.... I miss my mom now, but more so I miss my friends. I miss Madison. Moms gone forever and I have accepted that (although I'm still sad) but I COULD be at school. I COULD be with my friends. There's a very good chance that this will be my last summer home. I'll have an apartment next year and I very well may just stay there during summer break. If this summer turns out better than it has started then maybe it won't matter, but... I don't know if I hold high hopes.

Thats another awful thing - my negativity is reaching higher peaks than ever before. I mentioned in an earlier blog about how I feel less positive than I used to be. I think my attitude towards different circumstances in my life have been affecting me. Some are out of my control and others I can do something about. I know I control my attitude but it's extremely difficult especially when the person I have the most problems with has explicitly said they don't care about my feelings on the matter.

I need to try to keep as busy as possible... At least I have Relay, Cici's, Talent Show, finding a job, unpacking my room, coordinating a party, finding a present for Noahs birthday, Wilson, friends, and books to keep me occupied for now. I really am trying to be the proactive person that I consider myself. It's a bit more difficult at school because I don't have the time to head up an organization. Still, I'll do what I can now. I even bought a scrapbook to start working on throughout the weeks ahead which will cover my sophomore year of school. I really hope to keep myself floating on top of this Sea of Sadness. I don't want to drown in it all....

I hope this summer takes an upturn and rather quickly... My temper is getting short with the people I care about and that's no good. Hope, perseverance, love, and friendship will be my bouyies.

The End

08 May 2009

My sophomore year has come to a close. I'll be leaving JMU in a matter of hours for my home town. Now that BEDA has ended I won't be writing as much - at least not daily. I'll try to keep up the blog though.

I'm hoping to get a job this summer but I don't know where... Hopefully I can apply to some more places when I get home because I don't believe parks and rec will work out.

Pokemon Gold and Silver are going through remakes! Great thing too! Johto was the best.

.....

I really just don't want to leave school yet. I prefer to be here.
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